Some things Will Never Happen
by Purple Crow
Summary: The main focus of this little bit of writing will concern what would happen if certain scenarios actually occurred in NWN2 OC. Sand/KC, rated M for naughty stuff. Don't read if you don't like that as you will surely go blind.
1. Chapter 1: A Lame Excuse

All characters in this story are owned by Obsidian Entertainment, with the exception of Gwynyth.

Things that Will Never Happen

There are some things that will just never happen. In fact, before these things happen, certain other things would have to happen. For example, gamers would actually acknowledge a world beyond their computers and gaming consoles. They would actually pay all their bills, leave their houses periodically, and even walk around outside sometimes. They would squint at the sun a lot and wonder what the hell that bright shiny thing was in the sky. Speaking of Hell, it would surely freeze over on this day.

I say this for one reason: I love reading Neverwinter Nights fanfic, and a lot of it is quite good. _However, _much of it is based on some of the most unlikely scenarios I have ever heard of. Each time I read such a story, I am astonished by the absurdity of it and also the fact that for some strange reason I am unable to turn my eyes away from it. I almost always end up reading the story to the end, and often enjoying it. Still, I can't resist saying something about them in my own way. Not that I'm saying anything bad about them, because I acknowledge the fact that people have a right to be creative. However, it is still a reality that some things will just never happen, so the main focus of this little bit of writing will concern what would happen if certain scenarios actually occurred in the game.

_A Lame Excuse_

Sand sighed blissfully as he sank back into the pillows on his bed. He and the rest of the party had just returned to the keep from their latest mission, which of course had involved copious amounts of killing, walking, dirtiness, and sleeping in the wilderness. He had been longing the entire time to take a bath, then crawl into a real bed and just read. Finally, he had attained his goal!

The world disappeared for a time as he read his book (a dusty old thing from the keep's library that he had been dying to study). He was just finishing the first chapter when Sand was interrupted by a knock on the door. He glared daggers at said door and said, "_Go! Away!" _Returning his attention to his book, Sand was again interrupted by someone rapping at the door. Thoroughly exasperated, the little moon elf dragged himself out of bed, threw a robe over himself and tore the door open.

"It had better be good!" Sand shouted. He turned a smoldering gaze on the visitor who stood before him. She was none other than Torio Claven, his arch nemesis.

"Such a cold reception," Torio said silkily. "I _certainly_ don't intend to take up too much of your time, my dear elf. It's just that a certain familiar of yours has taken it upon himself to destroy my room and I can't get him to leave. Deal with him. _Now._"

"I must remember to thank Jaral later," Sand sneered. If he had to destroy someone's room and interrupt his reading, at least the feline had chosen the one that belonged to a certain ex-Luskan ambassador whom he hated with a passion. Well, to be fair, it would have been just as satisfying if the chosen room had belonged to Qara, but Sand was rather relieved knowing this was not actually the case. The disturbed and mentally challenged sorceress would have set his poor familiar on fire. He pushed past Torio and stalked to her room. The sooner he retrieved Jaral, the sooner he could get back to his book.

Upon reaching Torio's room, he saw that the door was closed. As he opened it and stepped inside, Jaral shot past him and tore down the hall. He could sense the poor familiar's absolute terror. Looking around the room he noticed that it was indeed quite a mess. However, nothing was torn. He would expect an angry cat to tear things to shreds, or even to urinate on someone's pillow or favorite chair, but to throw things around? Something obviously wasn't right. Turning to Torio, Sand fixed her with a look that could have incinerated her (if looks could actually do such a thing).

"So you kidnapped my poor familiar and trapped him in your room!" Sand shouted. "Why in the hells would you do such a thing?!"

"Why in the hells would you _say_ such a thing?" Torio mocked. "Look at this place, it's in shambles!" Torio spat back.

"Unless Jaral has suddenly developed opposable thumbs and therefore the ability to pick things up and throw them carelessly about, I would say this is all a set up! Furthermore, if you wanted him out of your room so badly, why was the door closed, and why was he so eager to leave . . . besides the overwhelming and understandable urge to escape your presence?!"

Torio glared back at him and said, "Well, I suppose it was a bit much to expect _you_ to fall for such a thing . . . however. . . I did get exactly what I wanted."

"Yes, if you wanted to thoroughly anger me, you have succeeded. Congratulations Torio!" Sand shot back.

"Oh no, that was merely a fringe benefit," Torio purred. Her face twisted into an evil grin as she said, "What I really wanted is standing right here." The room wasn't very large, and Torio blocked the only exit. She quickly closed the small space between them and wrapped her arms around her prize. All the color drained out of Sand's face as Torio kissed him.

Sand stood frozen in place, entirely too shocked to do anything but submit to Torio's burning kisses. Eventually he melted into Torio's embrace and kissed her back, completely ignoring the protests screaming from his conscience. He unlaced the front of her dress and bent his head down to her ample bosom. He took a nipple into his mouth and sucked at it as Torio groaned. She slid a hand up his back and grabbed a fistful of his hair. Sand froze once again when the gloved hand brushed against the back of his neck. He remembered that glove all-too-well. When he had defended the Knight Captain during the trial of Ember, he had been unable to take his eyes from it. She wore only one, and every time he saw it he could not help but think of a pale, skeletal child molester with a twisted, creepy grin on his face and an unnaturally thin nose. Where this thought came from he did not know, but it sent chills down his spine. At this moment, the glove had the same effect.

_Mood. Killed__, _Sand thought. Of course, now that the passion had died, he was more receptive to what his conscience had been desperately trying to tell him the whole time he groped Torio. Namely, said conscience had been trying to remind him that the woman whose breast he was currently suckling at had orchestrated the slaughter of an entire Luskan village and then framed the enormous crime on Duncan's niece. Furthermore, she had once been the consort of Black Garius. He shuddered at the thought of those two copulating and thanked the gods no children had resulted from that union. _The poor, unfortunate things would have been tragically deformed, _he thought. Sand had previously believed the mood to be dead, but as the last remaining shred of passion was killed by the horrible thoughts running through his head, he knew he had been very wrong.

"What's wrong?" Torio asked breathlessly. Sand laced up the front of her dress and prepared to leave when a dark thought crossed his mind.

"Nothing is wrong, per se," Sand said as he smiled. "I'm just feeling a bit claustrophic in this little closet you refer to as a room. Why don't we take this outside? I could use the fresh air, and it's a beautiful night." Torio returned his smile and took his hand. Together, she and the moon elf left the keep and walked to the court yard.

A few minutes later, Sand and Torio were standing together in the court yard under the branches of a tree. The whole place had turned silver under the full moon, and they were alone here with the exception of the guards posted at the gate and on the walls.

"I would enjoy seeing you naked in the moonlight, my dear Torio. Unfortunately, an invisibility spell is necessary, else we'll be giving yon guards a very good show indeed," Sand chuckled. Torio nodded in agreement, and Sand cast the necessary magic. Next, he cast True Seeing on himself so he could actually see the Luskan ambassador as he continued to grope her. This time, a lot more clothes were removed. In fact, Sand stripped Torio down to nothing but her hated glove. This he simply refused to touch.

Sand was pondering his next move when Torio said, "Could you cast something that would allow me to see you? It's quite unsettling to be undressed by an invisible lover." Sand grinned evilly, and chanted the words to one of his favorite spells. When he was finished, Torio stood before him as still as a statue, for that was what she now was. He had been trying to figure out how to cast a Flesh to Stone spell without alerting Torio to his intentions, and she had unwittingly given him the required opportunity.

Sand put his clothes back on, and threw Torio's so-called clothes into some nearby bushes. Standing before the statue that now adorned the courtyard of Crossroad Keep, Sand laughed as he said, "And now, my dear Torio, I have a book to read." He walked back to the keep laughing all the way, leaving a very naked statue in the courtyard.

* * *

Elanee entered the courtyard at first light and walked to her favorite tree. She enjoyed standing under that tree. In fact, if she wasn't asleep or adventuring with the rest of her friends, that was usually where one could find her. It was almost an obsession.

Sighing blissfully at the sight of a beautiful sunrise, she ran into something as she attempted to take up her usual spot under the aforementioned tree. Curious, she noticed that in that spot now stood the statue of a very naked woman standing in a seductive pose. Elanee fumed. She would have to have a talk with the Knight Captain about her taste in statues, and her reasoning behind the new statue's present location.

"Is something troubling you Elanee?" asked a deep, male voice. Elanee turned to see Casavir standing next to her with a concerned look on his face. He must have been on his way to the temple to pray when he noticed her fuming under the tree.

Elanee waved at the statue and said, "Did you really not notice this?" Casavir looked into the shadows in the direction she indicated and immediately blushed.

"So," he stammered, "Gwynyth has been, uh, decorating?" He tore his eyes from the statue and stared at his feet looking incredibly guilty. Just then, a certain evil ranger pushed his way between Casavir and Elanee.

"What in the hells has got you two so upse - aaaaaaaaaaaggh . . ." Bishop said as his jaw fell open. He stood transfixed by the nude statue for a few moments, and then snapped his jaw back shut as he regained his composure. "Ha! Like I always say, whatever it is that makes the paladin blush and hang his head in shame has got to be good!" Casavir responded with his usual anti-Bishop glare.

Some time later, Knight Captain Gwynyth Farlong walked into the courtyard. She had been puzzled by the absence of her friends, and gone to search for them. Now she saw them. In fact, they were all milling together at the spot usually occupied by Elanee, although. That was strange. She certainly wasn't expecting to find everyone in one place. The only person missing was Sand. As she approached, she got a good look at a nude statue that hadn't been there as of last night.

"Gwynyth!" Elanee shouted as her face grew red. "What is the meaning of this . . . this . . . atrocity?! Is this some kind of sick joke?!"

"Now, now, little druid," Bishop mocked. "I happen to think our fair leader has great taste in statues." He turned back to look at the statue with a dark little smile on his face.

"Oh sure, just assume the naked statue is my fault!" Gwynyth shouted at the druid. Immediately her friends burst into argument over who had placed the statue here and why. _As if they needed an excuse to hurl insults and accusations at each other,_ Gwynyth thought to herself. The arguing had gone on for quite some time when the statue suddenly screamed.

Everyone turned to see that the statue was now a real-life, flesh-and-blood Torio Claven. She stood there naked in complete and utter horror. Everyone reacted to this change almost instantaneously. Casavir gasped and ran off to the temple, presumably to ask Tyr to forgive him for having impure thoughts about a naked woman. Bishop laughed uncontrollably, while Zjaeve said, "_Know_ that this is very awkward." Grobnar let out a little squeak and hid himself behind a bush. Qara lost her tenuous control over her magical powers and burst into flame. She ran around the courtyard screaming and lighting things on fire. Ammon Jerro was lost in thought as he considered how best to use the horrifying image of Torio's huge, naked rear end against the King of Shadows. Neeshka completely ignored the naked woman and used the chaos to rifle through her friends' pockets.

"You are an affront to nature!" Elanee screamed as she unleashed a cloud of insects to swarm about the Luskan woman. The latter joined Qara in running aimlessly about the courtyard. Khelgar used Elanee's attack as an excuse to start a fight. He chased Torio down and tackled her to the ground. Gwynyth simply stood the whole time taking in each disaster as it occurred, entirely too stunned to move. As Bishop laughed himself into unconsciousness, she spied Sand standing at the edge of the crowd looking very satisfied. Gwynyth stepped over Bishop's prostrate form and marched right over to the moon elf, who gulped nervously at the sight of his leader. Her pale blue eyes were as cold as ice while her face was almost as red as her hair. She was fairly small, being a half elf, but right now she looked very large and menacing indeed.

She stopped in front of Sand and said, "Put out the damn fires while I take care of Khelgar and Elanee! Then we're going to have a _fucking talk_!" She turned and cast a paralysis spell on Khelgar, then another on Elanee. Sand doused the flames and the flaming sorceress with a few applications of Cone of Cold. He considered using ice storm on her instead, but realized with great disappointment that there were too many people in the courtyard who might get hurt.

At last, when things were under control, Gwynyth called a meeting of all those involved in the violence. This included Qara (no longer on fire and now completely healed by Zjaeve), Elanee, Khelgar, and Sand. Neeshka was included due to complaints that a good deal of people's gold and other belongings were missing. Bishop was technically there because he was still unconscious and laying on the ground nearby. She walked up to each of them in turn (sans Bishop) and yelled at each one, starting with Qara. To the latter, she shouted, "That fire would not have happened if you actually had some semblance of knowledge and control of your powers. Do us all a damn favor and study for once! I know you're illiterate and allergic to books, but you're going to have to get past that and study anyway!" The sorceress glared at her and stalked off, undoubtedly debating whether to burn down the library. Sand snickered. To Elanee, Gwynyth said, "Unleashing a swarm of insects on Torio was entirely uncalled for. Is this little spot under this particular tree really just that damn special? What is it about this spot that could possibly drive you to violence if someone else happens to be standing here? Does it emanate a rare, magical power that you're hoarding?!" she shouted. Elanee's eyes dropped to the ground, but she said nothing. Gwynyth, thoroughly angered by the druid's silence, shouted, "Now I want you to go and fix the damage done by the fire. Mostly it's scorched plants and trees. You're always complaining about feeling useless at the keep, so now you have a chance to use your "druidly" abilities! Enjoy!" Turning to Khelgar, the little half elf said, "You need to reign in your temper and use a little discretion in who you fight with. Elanee initiated the attack on Torio for no legitimate reason, so you had no excuse to jump in and help her. The next time you do this, I'm telling Sal to cut off your alcohol supply! Now go see if you can help Elanee!" Khelgar turned pale and nodded his head furiously. To Neeshka, Gwynyth said, "Return all the things you've stolen to their rightful owners. If I'm still hearing complaints about missing objects and/or gold by the end of the day, you're cut off from your share of party treasure for the next week!" The tiefling let out a little squeak and ran off to do as she was instructed.

Gwynyth dismissed the stragglers and turned her gaze to Sand. To him, she said simply, "_Explain_."

"Er, well," Sand stuttered, "Torio kidnapped Jaral last night and used him to lure me into her room. She tried to seduce me," he said, but was quickly cut off by Gwynyth.

"She _what?!_" she shrieked. The expression on her face went from one of mildly annoyed to one of complete outrage. She stood before Sand shaking as magical energy sparked about her. "So," she said, her voice shaking, "What did you do about this?"

"Uh, I decided to turn the tables on her. I told her I'd rather make love to her outside than in some stuffy little room, and the little harlot believed me! Once here, it was just a matter of getting her naked and casting a flesh to stone spell. I waited until everyone was looking at her this morning before casting stone to flesh. The result was quite pleasing!" He laughed, and then went silent as he realized Gwynyth probably didn't agree with the latter. He expected his leader to kill him then and there. Instead, the magic stopped sparking about her and the enraged look she wore on her face twitched into a grin. She burst out laughing.

When she recovered, Gwynyth said, "Sand that is the funniest damn thing that's happened in this place in ages. I'm still pretty pissed off about all the damage, of course. I don't honestly know what to do with you though, since I'm sure you never intended for things to get out of hand like they did. I'm going to just think about your punishment for a bit. I'll send someone to get you when I've decided on it."

"Yay, I can barely contain my excitement," Sand grumbled as he stalked off to the library.

* * *

Sand sighed in contentment as he settled into an overstuffed chair with his book. He basked in the warmth of the fire as he opened the tome to the spot he had bookmarked. This time, he read only two pages before he was interrupted by a knock at the door. "_What?_" he asked as he flung open the door.

"The Knight Captain wishes to see you in her chambers," said the guard standing in the hallway. Sand nodded, left his book on a table, and headed off to see his leader.

Sand knocked at the door of Gwynyth's personal suite, and she opened it before he had even finished knocking. He was momentarily stunned by the image before him. Gwynyth stood in the doorway in a luxurious, very revealing set of black, silk mage robes. The bodice was quite tight, and her breasts looked as if they were about to spill from the top. Reluctantly, he willed his eyes to travel from her voluptuous curves up along the silvery skin of her long neck to settle on her gorgeous face, now framed by her coppery hair. He was surprised to see her this way, which was why the process of raising his gaze from breast to eye level took a lot longer than it should have. Usually she wore her long hair back to keep it out of her eyes during battle, and she never showed _this _much skin.

Gwynyth moved to the side and waved him into the room. She shut the door behind him, although he noticed she left it slightly ajar. Whatever it was she was about to discuss with him could not be so bad that she cared if the guards overheard it.

"So," he said, clearing his throat. "What is to be my punishment? Imprisonment? Sleep deprivation? Tar and feathering? Water torture?" Sand asked, his voice dripping with its usual sarcasm.

Gwynyth laughed, and then her ice-blue eyes locked onto his. Her tone now a good deal more serious, she said, "You're right about the torture part."

"Oh gods," Sand said, "You're not going to make me teach Qara to read, are you?" he asked. Gwynyth simply shook her head.

"Wait, are you banning me from the library?" he asked fearfully.

She just shook her head again and wrapped her arms around him. She kissed him roughly, and Sand's eyes flew open in shock. This was certainly not the torture he was expecting. In fact, it couldn't even be called torture. Oh well, why should he complain? She kissed far better than Torio. In fact, if Torio's kisses could be called fiery, Gwynyth's were positively searing.

Sand could hardly contain his excitement. As he kissed her, he pressed her back against her desk where she sat on the edge. He pressed himself between her legs, and slid his hands down her thighs. He realized to his delight that there was a high slit on each side of her mage robes, and each of her silky thighs was quite exposed. Sand ran his hands lightly against her bare skin, allowing his hands to travel all the way under each slit to grasp at the firm flesh of her rear end. She responded by grinding herself into him shamelessly as she kissed him even more fiercely than before. He groaned into her mouth and ground himself right back into her.

They were interrupted by a knock on the door. _I'm getting sick of people knocking on doors,_ Sand grumbled mentally. When Gwynyth failed to answer the door, it was pushed open by Torio Claven. This time she was fully clothed, although this latest outfit was just as tasteless as the last one. In addition to clothing she wore a look of puzzlement on her face that quickly turned to rage at the sight of Sand and the Knight Captain. "_You wanted to see me?_" Torio asked, positively seething.

"Oh yes," Gwynyth said cheerfully. She stopped grinding against Sand, but made no move to get off the desk or away from Sand. "I was just wondering if you had any leads on new recruits."

"_Not at this time, no,_" Torio hissed. "_Is that all, Captain?_"

"_Knight _Captain, get it right you viscous little harpy!" Sand snapped at her.

"That is all, Torio, thank you," Gwynyth said, dismissing said harpy. Torio stalked out the door and slammed it behind her. The _knight _captain went back to fondling Sand, but he stopped her.

"Was that my punishment? Helping you anger Torio and drive her into a state of insane jealousy?" Sand asked. "Not that I mind but I wonder . . . was this the only motive at work here?" Gwyn responded by kissing him softly, pouring every ounce of her feelings for him into it. When she finally pulled away and Sand had recovered from his bout of dizziness, he chuckled and said, "That would certainly explain what you did to Torio just now. My dear girl, how long have you felt this way?"

"I haven't been able to get you out of my head since I first met you," Gwynyth replied, dropping her eyes from his. "Then there was the trial, and I couldn't possibly ignore everything you did for me. You kept me from being sent to Luskan for low justice. When I fought Lorne, you came to me in the temple and gave me those healing potions. I wanted to kiss you then . . . but Casavir walked in before I could."

At that, Sand frowned, walked over to the door and locked it. Realizing the lock could be picked, he slid a chair back under the door knob. Of course, he was still not satisfied with the security of the door, and warded it. Gwynyth gave him a puzzled look when he returned to her.

"I think you're probably as weary of unwelcome interruptions as I am," Sand explained. He kissed her then. He didn't know if he loved her, but he did have feelings for her. The moon elf put everything he felt into that kiss, pulling her head closer to him in order to deepen it. When he finally pulled away, Gwyn's eyes were glazed over. This didn't last long though.

"Don't think this changes my plans for this evening," she said when her eyes cleared. She slid down from the desk and pushed him to the bed. "When I'm done with you, you'll be begging me for mercy." She kissed him again to keep him from replying and pushed him onto the mattress.

Sand's breathing quickened. He lay there as she slowly stripped him, dragging each article of clothing across his skin as lightly as if she was teasing him with a feather. With each caress of the cloth against his skin he shivered and trembled. When the last stitch of clothing was gone, she ran her lips, teeth, and sometimes tongue all over his body. She started with his ears, which caused Sand to whimper. She slid her open lips down one side of his neck, and he moaned in delight. Gwyn trailed her tongue along his chest, stopping to suck at each nipple. She kept going like this, alternating sensitive areas and stimulating each. Gradually she worked her way lower until she came close to his shaft. Sand moaned in anticipation of feeling her lips on his manhood. Instead of what he expected, Gwynyth did something else. She moved down to his feet and sucked at his toes, then ran her teeth along the soles of his feet. Sand jerked his feet away and gasped.

Gwynyth moved her ministrations higher, dragging her lips up his legs. She stopped to lick and suck at the back of each knee, causing Sand to cry out and grasp at the covers on the bed. After dragging her lips slowly across each inner thigh, Gwyn caressed the areas close to his manhood. She dragged her teeth over the sensitive skin, nipped at it, sucked and licked in a circle, never once touching his shaft or sack but staying agonizingly close. Sand felt himself on the verge of losing his sanity. He wanted to drive her to the bed and take her then and there, but still she kept turning him on even more. He had never been this aroused in his entire, centuries-long life. His manhood was so engorged it throbbed almost painfully.

At last Sand reached a point where he could no longer take this torture. He arched his back, grasping at the blankets, his arms, legs and entire body positively writhing. "Please!" he begged her, his voice ragged and desperate. "Stop this! Please! For the love of the _gods_, girl, _just_ _take me!"_

Gwynyth ran the tip of her tongue across his sack and up his manhood. She circled the tip with her tongue, and took him into her mouth. Sand tangled his hands into her hair as she swallowed down his entire length. She took him deep into her throat and he pressed his hands against the back of her head even more desperately than before. He thrust himself into her as she continued to swallow him again and again. Before he could climax, she pulled back and stopped.

"Why in the nine hells did you stop?! _Please keep going_!" Sand begged.

"Sorry Sand. Can't have you getting there too soon," she explained as she grinned at him wickedly. Gwynyth left him on the bed groaning as she slowly, teasingly stripped off her dress and underclothes. She climbed back onto the bed and pressed her body up against his. She kissed him then and he ran his hands greedily all over her. At last she straddled him and Sand clutched at her backside as his full length slid in and out of her. He thrust himself into her as she drove herself down onto him mercilessly. She gasped each time he pressed into her, and he could not resist driving himself even deeper into her moist depths. He felt her become even wetter as she climaxed repeatedly.

Eventually Sand reached the point where he could no longer hold on any more. He clutched her rear and drove her down onto him as he pressed himself into her at the same time, shuddering as he climaxed. Gwynyth thrust down a few more times and then screamed as she, too, climaxed one last time. She rolled off of Sand and laid herself down next to him. She watched as he lay on the bed for some time, completely unable to move save for an occasional twitch. Gwyn thought he might have gone to sleep, and was startled when he said, "If this is the way you torture people, no one will ever obey you girl," he said. He looked into her eyes and grinned. "I certainly don't plan to."


	2. Chapter 2: Bishop's Redemption

All characters in this story are owned by Obsidian Entertainment, with the exception of Gwynyth.

_Bishop's Redemption_

Casavir and Bishop were arguing again. This was nothing new, except this time the arguing had started first thing in the morning and Gwynyth was anything but happy about it. They were leaving the Sunken Flagon to make their way back to Crossroad Keep after having finished some errands in Neverwinter the previous day. The Knight Captain sorely regretted that she had no silencing spell memorized, because the trip to the keep was going to be positively brutal if she had to listen to this argument the whole time.

The disagreement had started that morning at breakfast when Casavir had made the mistake of trying to convert Bishop. His intentions were innocent enough, but a waste of time nonetheless.

"You're going to go to the Wall of the Faithless when you die, Bishop, don't you care?" Casavir said as they exited the Flagon.

"The wall doesn't exist, _Paladin._ When you die, you're just worm food, and _that's it_." Bishop sneered.

"I mean it Bishop, the wall really does exist. If you don't give yourself to Tyr or another god, you will – "

"Worshipping Tyr is a complete waste of time. I might as well worship bunny rabbits or something! Now take your holy drivel and shove it up your ass!" Bishop yelled. With that, a sudden change came over Casavir. His face turned from red to purple, the veins popped out on his forehead, and he even seemed to look a little larger than normal. Gwynyth half-expected him to turn green and grow so large that his armor split off, but she shook her head and wondered why she always had such strange thoughts. Casavir screamed in rage and with one quick movement, the paladin picked up the ranger and threw him into the side of the Flagon. The back of Bishop's head met the wall with a sickening crack, and he crumpled to the ground in a heap.

"Oops," Casavir said as he realized what he had done. Grobnar rushed to the ranger's side and healed him as much as he could, but it was apparent this wouldn't be enough. Bishop would likely die without more healing. Casavir knelt beside him and performed a lay on hands spell. As the energy flowed through him and out of his hands, the paladin realized something about the spell felt different this time. He wondered if the lay on hands spell was actually working.

Bishop's eyes opened, and Casavir brushed off his feelings of doubt. He prepared himself to be attacked by a very angry ranger.

"What happened?" Bishop groaned.

"You, um, hit your head against the wall," Casavir stammered.

"Yeah," Gwynyth said, "because you threw him _into_ the wall."

"Why?" Bishop asked as he struggled to sit up. Karnwyr licked his face and whined.

"You . . . told me worshipping Tyr was a waste of time, and that worshipping bunnies would be more productive," Casavir replied.

"Oh. I said that? Huh. Well I guess I deserved it," said the ranger as he slowly stood up.

"You . . . you _what_?" Casavir asked, wondering if he had heard that last line correctly.

"I said I deserved it. Insulting your faith wasn't exactly very respectful of me," Bishop explained.

"You think you _deserved it_?" Casavir asked, his voice dripping with doubt and incredulity.

"Well that was really the _least _I deserved. I feel like I should do more to make it up to you somehow. I feel pretty bad about it."

"You feel bad. You feel – _ow_! My _brain_!" The paladin clutched his head as his disbelief caused him to double over in pain.

"What's wrong Cas, are you okay?" asked the ranger as he knelt down beside him.

"Bishop, I have a question for you," said Sand. "How would you like to give bread to a bunch of poor, starving street urchins?"

"Sure. We don't have any bread, but I can buy some from Duncan." Bishop answered. The entire party stood staring at Bishop in shock.

"Hmm, it is as I suspected. Bishop's head injury has caused a personality change. A rather dramatic one at that," Sand announced. "Perhaps Casavir didn't manage to heal him all the way?" For some reason, no one volunteered to heal Bishop any further.

"You good to travel, Bishop?" asked Gwyn.

"Yeah, I feel fine," he replied. "Are we still feeding street kids though? I need to buy some food if we are."

* * *

On the outskirts of town, Karnwyr stopped in front of a building and whined frantically. Bishop stood next to him frowning. The rest of the group stopped walking and turned back to look at the two.

"What's going on Bishop?" Gwynyth asked.

"Karnwyr says there are animals in this building. They're scared, and some of them are hurt. I have to save them!" Bishop proclaimed. Without waiting for anyone to say otherwise, he charged into the building with Karnwyr right behind him. The rest of the group followed him in, not knowing what else to do.

Inside, they found a laboratory of sorts. There were cages upon cages of rabbits lining the walls, tables full of instruments, spell reagents, notes, books, et cetera. There was a dead rabbit on one of the tables, recently dissected. Fortunately there was no sign of the mage or whatever mad scientist owned and operated this place.

"Oh gods," Bishop said. "They're being experimented on. I have to get them out of here! Sand, give me your bag of holding!"

"What? No!" Sand replied.

"Come _on_, I just need to borrow it so I can sneak the rabbits out of town," Bishop pleaded. When Sand just answered him with a glare, the ranger took the bag of holding out of the mage's bag without even asking. He dumped all the wands and spell reagents it held into Sand's pack, ignoring the very loud protests. Bag in hand, Bishop went around the room stuffing rabbits into it.

"You're responsible for cleaning the rabbit droppings out, ranger!" Sand snarled at him.

"That's fine," said Bishop. He finished packing up the rabbits, and they walked out of the building.

Outside town, Bishop stopped in the woods and opened the bag of holding. An entire herd of rabbits came pouring out, and each one quickly disappeared into the forest. Shaking the droppings out of the bag, the ranger handed it back to Sand. "Thanks," he said.

"You're welcome," Sand replied, his voice dripping with sarcasm. He spent some time replacing all the spell reagents in the bag, muttering the whole time about brain-addled rangers.

As Gwynyth, Sand, Bishop, Casavir and Grobnar resumed their journey back to Crossroad Keep, no one noticed a single rabbit hopping along behind them.

* * *

They were about halfway back to the keep when they were ambushed by orcs. Gwynyth cast stone skin and got to work frying the orcs with Chain Lightening. Sand turned himself into a mind flayer and attacked the nearest orc. Grobnar sang a curse song, Bishop shot the orcs full of arrows, and Casavir showed them why one doesn't mess with Katalmach.

Right before his brains were smashed by Casavir's war hammer, an orc mage launched a fireball at Grobnar. When the flames cleared, the gnome lay on the ground, charred and smoking.

"Grobnar! _Nooooo!_" Bishop screamed. He ran to the bard and healed him as much as he could. Alas, Cure Moderate Wounds and Cure Minor Wounds could not do enough to heal the third-degree burns.

By now all the orcs were dead, and everyone stood staring in shock at Bishop and Grobnar. They watched as the ranger forced healing potions down the bard's throat, fully aware that Casavir had no more energy left to perform a Lay on Hands spell. He cried and pleaded for Grobnar to get better.

"Am I hallucinating?" Gwynyth asked Sand.

"You see Bishop crying over Grobnar and trying to heal him, right?" the moon elf asked.

"Yeah," she replied.

"Well that's what I see, so it must be real. Unless we're both hallucinating, and then we're in real trouble," replied a completely bewildered Sand.

Thanks to Bishop, Grobnar made a full recovery. His hair and armor were badly singed, but he was otherwise fine. Bishop hugged him in relief and cried some more. Grobnar thanked the ranger for saving his life, but seemed otherwise oblivious to the latter's startling transformation. He was usually oblivious to many things, though.

The party traveled a little further and then camped for the night. No one wanted to be caught out in the open without healing spells or potions, but they also weren't in favor of being ambushed again. While everyone else set up camp, Bishop took Karnwyr out into the woods to hunt for dinner. When he returned, he brought not only dinner, but something else.

"What a cute rabbit!" Grobnar cried. Bishop was followed into camp not only by Karnwyr, but also a rabbit.

"He's one of the rabbits I rescued earlier. He's my animal companion now!" Bishop said cheerfully. Casavir's eyebrows rose until they were almost touching his hair line. Sand and Gwynyth just looked at each other and burst into laughter.

"What's his name?" Grobnar asked. He approached the rabbit and pet it softly.

"Muffin," Bishop answered as he made dinner. Sand and Gwyn went into uncontrollable fits of hysteria. They clutched at each other and fell to the ground, giggling the whole way. "What in the hells is wrong with them?" Bishop asked Casavir.

"You really don't know?" Casavir asked. When Bishop shook his head, Casavir said, "It's the rabbit."

"Muffin? What's wrong with him?" Bishop asked.

"There's nothing wrong with him," the paladin replied. "It's just that you're usually a very evil and hardcore ranger, so we would expect you to choose a companion such as, oh, a panther named Killer. Instead, you've chosen a bunny. Named Muffin."

"Oh. Well hey, I'm a ranger. I like all animals," Bishop said smiling. Casavir just shook his head and smiled.

* * *

Back at Crossroad Keep, the party settled in and returned to their normal routines. That is, everyone except Bishop. Instead of spending all his free time drinking, whoring, threatening people, being a bastard, and any combination thereof, he was actually doing other things. Although he still drank, he was no longer a bastard. He was actually polite to everyone, and offered to help people without demanding anything in return. Most people reacted to this in varying degrees of shock or horror, but eventually they became used to it . . . for the most part. Really, who could get used to being randomly hugged by a previously evil ranger?

They had returned to Crossroad Keep late one morning. After Bishop had bathed (and _shaved_), he declared he was bored. Usually, he would have gone straight to the tavern to drink himself stupid and possibly get a whore, despite how early it was in the day. Instead, he disappeared into the kitchen.

Gwynyth found him outside later sitting in the grass. He was surrounded by Wolf and his gang, and he _wasn't_ threatening to kill them or telling them to fuck off. The kids were actually playing with the ranger and his animal companions, both Karnwyr and Muffin. As the Knight Captain watched, a smiling Bishop brought out a basket and cheerfully said, "Who wants cookies? I just made 'em!" The kids swarmed over the basket and devoured the cookies. Gwynyth laughed so hard she couldn't function for the next hour.

Another change Gwynyth noticed was that women treated Bishop differently now. It used to be that most self-respecting women ignored him or treated him like crap because he was an evil bastard who ruined his good looks by being, well, an evil bastard. Now he was a very good looking nice guy. The girls _noticed_. Now he was frequently followed by at least one woman (often by several) trying to get his attention and win him over.

One of these girls was Qara. One night at the tavern she sat at the bar drinking, watching Bishop out of the corner of her eye. When it was clear that he was good and drunk, she waltzed over to him and sat in his lap. Knowing his reputation for screwing just about anything that moved, Qara figured she had a good chance of getting in bed with the ranger. As such, she leaned down and planted a kiss on his forehead.

"Qara? What 're you doing?" Bishop slurred.

"Kissing you, of course," she replied. She whispered in his ear, "I'm hoping to do more than that, though."

"Aw, hells no!" Bishop said as he moved Qara off his lap. "Noooo way!"

"Why not?" Qara asked. She stomped her foot on the floor and scowled.

"You're too young, that'sh why. You're fuckin' _sixteen,_ an' I'm twenty-eight. No fuckin' way in the _hells_ am I doin' you . . . at leasht for another two years," said the wasted ranger. With that, he stumbled out of the tavern intent on finding his bed. After tripping over a rock and landing flat on his face, he decided the grass would do just fine.

Qara, still inside the tavern, stood right where Bishop had left her. She fumed, barely controlling her urge to burn Sal's tavern to the ground. _He said _no_?! _Qara thought to herself. _I'll show him! No one says no to me!_


	3. Chapter 3: Drugs are Bad, M'Kay?

This chapter contains quite a few sexual situations, as well as a lot of swearing, so you've been warned! All characters in this story are owned by Obsidian Entertainment, with the exception of Gwynyth.

Bishop and Casavir are no longer speaking to me. Really, I'm not sure why since the whole mess is Qara's fault. At least Sand still thinks I'm cool. Also, if anyone is wondering about the deity I chose for this story, as you know, there are only so many nature deities available to a chaotic good ranger in the game. I chose the one that made me giggle the most.

_Drugs are Bad, M'kay?_

Bishop sat back in his chair at Sal's tavern. Karnwyr lay at his feet, and Muffin was sitting in his lap. He still heard all sorts of comments about the bunny, but as usual he didn't care what anyone thought of what he did.

Gwynyth walked into the tavern and asked Sal for some ale. Spying Bishop in the corner, she sat down next to him.

"Well there's a first," he said as she sat next to him. "You never sit next to me when you drink."

"Gee, I'm sure it has nothing to do with the way you greeted me when we first met," Gwynyth shot back. "What was it you said? Oh yeah; 'If I wanted a wench, I'd go to the local brothel.'"

"Oh yeah," Bishop said as his cheeks flushed. "Sorry about that. I was a real bastard back then, wasn't I?"

"I can think of several other names too," Gwynyth said wryly.

"Really?" he said as he grinned. "Do tell. This should be interesting."

Without skipping a beat, Gwyn said, "Asshole, motherfucker, royal prick, son-of-a-bitch, fucker, shit head, male whore, dick-lick, piece-of-shit-mother-fucker, and my favorite, stupid dumb shit goddamn motherfucking cunt." She casually knocked back about a third of her ale.

"_Wow_," said the ranger. "No wonder I could never get you into bed. Of course, _that_ just makes me like you even more." He smiled at her when she blushed.

"So let me get this straight?" Gwyn said. "The ranger who rescues poor little bunnies from experimentation actually likes all the names I just threw at him. And, he likes the fact that I swear like a sailor."

"Hey, I may worship bunnies now, but I still swear – and drink – like a fucking sailor," Bishop said.

"Some things will never change," said the little half elf. "Oh, and speaking of worshipping bunnies, I've been meaning to ask you something now that you aren't an evil prick."

"What's that?"

"You can cast spells, but anyone with half a brain knows that nature spells can't be cast unless one worships a deity," she said.

"Uh huh," Bishop said as he tossed back the last of his ale.

"Well, you cast those spells, but you've always claimed you don't believe in the gods. So I have to ask this one question: _what the fuck_?"

"Oh. Well, since I like you, I'll share a little secret with you . . . I do worship a goddess," Bishop said in a low voice.

"Which one?" Gwyn asked in a whisper.

"Mielikki," Bishop whispered. "But you can _not_ tell anyone, 'cause if you do, my reputation will be shot to the hells . . . and then Muffin will eat you." Gwyn giggled hysterically.

Just then, Sand sat next to them with a mug of ale in his hand. "Good evening Gwynyth. Bishop."

"Hi Sand!" Gwyn said. Bishop just raised his mug in Sand's direction.

Sand took one look at the ranger and asked, "So how's Mielikki?"

Bishop glared at Sand and said, "Muffin is _not_ happy. If you tell _anyone_ who I really worship, he'll eat you too. Damn you and your elven sense of hearing," he said. Sand just grinned.

Casavir chose that moment to sit down at their table. "I promise I won't tell," he said solemnly. Bishop sighed and slammed his forehead against the table.

"_Fuck me_," he groaned. He sat up and tried to take a gulp from his mug, but realized it was empty. "Alright you bastards, I'll be right back with more ale. Oh shit, Qara's at the bar. _Fuck._" He walked to the bar and told Sal to get him, "A whole mother-fucking pitcher of ale. The strongest stuff you've got!" While Sal got the pitcher ready, he sat back down and gave Muffin a good scratch behind his ears.

To everyone's surprise, Qara brought the pitcher of ale to the table. Everyone thought she had sworn off such menial tasks since she no longer worked for Duncan.

"Hi Qara," Bishop said in a less-than-enthusiastic voice. She just smiled at him and sauntered off, her hips swaying slightly. Bishop used the pitcher to top off Gwyn's ale before filling his own mug. She stared at her mug wide-eyed at first, not used to Bishop actually buying alcohol for anyone other than himself. Then she just shrugged and drank it. Who was she to complain about free alcohol?

"What was that about Qara?" Gwynyth asked Bishop.

"Must you _ask_, girl?" Sand asked as he rolled his eyes.

"No, I just want to know if she pissed him off more than _usual_," said Gwynyth.

"Well, she didn't piss me off so much as she came on to me. Now things are all weird around her," Bishop answered.

"Oh my gods!" Gwyn exclaimed.

"Oh, thank you for putting a very horrid image in my head of you two copulating!" Sand snapped at Bishop.

"Relax, I didn't do her! She's too young, and the fact that I could get set on fire while in the act is kind of a turn-off," Bishop said.

"Well I'm glad to hear you didn't try to destroy the world with her because the King of Shadows is already doing a great job of that. Not to mention we _really_ don't want any little Qara's running around," said the little moon elf. "Hmm, and speaking of our favorite sorceress, Gwynyth, I wanted to voice a concern I have," Sand said. "Today I was in the library, and happened to notice Qara was there as well. And get this: she was reading . . . a _book_."

"_Whoa_," said Gwyn as her eye brows rose. "Was she looking at pictures or reading actual words?"

"I wasn't close enough to see what they said, but they were definitely words," Sand answered.

"Uh, was she reading willingly, or was someone forcing her to?"

"No one else was there, so I would have to say willingly. I must say, it sent chills down my spine. It makes me wonder if she's up to something," Sand said.

"Well I did tell her to study after she set half the court yard on fire a couple weeks ago," said Gwynyth. "Not that she ever does anything anyone tells her to do. Shit, you're right. She's up to something, isn't she?"

"I love how I don't have to spend an excessive amount of time explaining these things to you," Sand said as he smiled. He drained the last of his ale, and then jumped a little as Bishop refilled it. "I'm still not used to all this bunny-worshipping goodness, my dear ranger," he said.

"Don't blame me, blame the _paladin,_" the ranger said.

"I still feel bad about that," Casavir said.

"Why should _you _feel bad?" Bishop asked. "I was the evil bastard you know. You were just trying to redeem me, or whatever it is you paladins do."

"Yes, you were evil," said the paladin. "But you insulted Tyr, and I reacted by almost killing you. That really isn't the best way to go about redeeming someone."

"Well, I'm not dead because you saved my life. And you do remember I felt bad for insulting your faith, right? _And_ I felt like I deserved what you did? So here," Bishop said and refilled Casavir's mug. "Now be quiet and get drunk like a good little paladin." Casavir chuckled and drank his ale.

"Oh gods, she's still looking at me," Bishop grumbled. He sighed and buried his face in his hands.

"Aaaaaaw, poor Bishop has too many girls trying to screw him. Poor baby," Gwynyth teased.

"You're a smartass," the ranger growled.

"I know," the half elf replied cheerfully. "So of all these girls who have been flocking around you lately, which ones do you like?"

"What do you mean 'like'? As in, I want to sleep with 'em, or I want more than that?"

"More than that," Gwyn answered.

"None of 'em, really," Bishop said.

"You're kidding."

"Nope."

"He probably hash different standardsh now, Gwynny," Casavir said, face flushed.

"Did you just call me 'Gwynny'?" asked the little half elf. "You never even call me 'Gwyn'. It's always 'Gwynyth' this and 'Gwynyth' that! Or 'My Lady!'"

"Are you drunk already?" Bishop asked Casavir. "Gods, what a light-weight!"

"Come to think of it, I'm kinda getting that spinning-room-effect," Gwyn said.

"Okay, the half-elven _Harborman_, who could easily drink me under the table, is drunk on three ales," said an incredulous ranger. He looked into the pitcher and said, "Must be some strong shit."

"So wait, I still find it hard to believe you don't like any of the girls around here, what in the hells is up with that? I'd think you'd like _one_ of 'em," Gwyn said as she swayed a bit. Sand caught her elbow and steadied her.

"Well, it'sh not that I'm not attracted to 'em. I mean, a couple of 'em are _really_ good looking. But even with them, I jusht look at 'em and I feel . . . nothing," Bishop said. "But, actually there _ish_ one I kinda like." He stared down into his mug.

"Who?" Gwyn asked. After several long moments, Bishop looked up at her with a sad expression on his face. She suddenly felt bad for him, which was strange seeing as she never thought she'd feel that way about him.

"You," he whispered. Gwynyth stared at him in shock. "Oh gods, did I just say that out loud?" Bishop said with panic in his voice. Gwyn scooted her chair closer to the ranger's and hugged him. She braced herself for some very loud protests from Sand and Casavir, but heard nothing of the sort. When she looked up, Casavir just stared at her and Bishop with an expression of intense longing on his face. Sand's eyes were fixated on a drop of ale on the table before him.

"I can _hear colors_," he said.

"What in the hells is in this shit?!" Bishop shrieked as he clutched at his mug and stared into its depths.

"Mm, I don't know, but it's making me see pretty half elves," Sand said as he ran a finger lightly up Gwyn's back. "Very colorful ones . . . and they even _smell_ pretty." Gwyn shivered at Sand's touch. She held onto the table with both hands as the room spun precariously. Waves of longing washed over her. She wanted Sand very badly. _Hells, I want Bishop too. And throw the paladin in as well, _she thought dreamily.

"We must have been drugged," Casavir said. He blinked several times, trying to clear his eyes and focus on the world around him. "Let's . . . go upstairs. We can sleep it off." Gwyn nodded in agreement. She knew she'd never make it back to her bedroom all the way up at the keep while the world continued to warp and spin around her. Casavir stumbled over to Sal and asked for a room, slurring very heavily. A few moments later, they were all marching upstairs clumsily. No one seemed to notice a sorceress glaring at them from the shadows.

Once in the room, Gwynyth had barely registered her surroundings when one of the men crushed her to him and kissed her deeply. Another one kissed her neck while a pair of hands undressed her rapidly.

She was pressed to the bed, and the man in front of her was now on top of her. She looked up to see it was Casavir. Somehow he'd lost his shirt, and his smooth skin was pressed against hers. She laid her hands along his back and he caressed her throat. His skin slid against hers as he trailed kisses down her body. He parted her legs and kissed her down there as well. She felt herself grow wet with anticipation.

Sand and Bishop were not idle. They laid themselves on either side of her, and she giggled as she tried to divest both of them of their clothes at the same time. It didn't work very well. Sand was sucking the tip of one of her pointed ears, which made her shiver and moan. One of her breasts was in his hand, and he rolled the nipple between his fingers. Bishop was sucking the other one hard.

While she was distracted by Sand and Bishop, Casavir divested himself of his breeches. The next thing she knew he was positioned right between her legs. She gasped as he entered her slowly. He was gentle, and even in his inebriated state he seemed afraid to hurt her. She wrapped her legs around him and pressed him into her harder. He got over his fear and thrust into her faster and deeper. He groaned loudly when he came, and then fell backwards to lie panting on the floor.

Gwynyth turned onto her hands and knees. She tore off Sand's breeches and took him into her mouth. To her delight, he whimpered and clutched at her hair. Bishop took this opportunity to enter her from behind. If Casavir was gentle, Bishop was quite the opposite. He thrust into her almost savagely, and Gwyn's delighted scream would have been quite loud if her mouth hadn't been full of Sand's shaft.

When Sand climaxed, she swallowed his seed and took him into her mouth again. She sucked at him very slowly, intent on arousing him again. He was hard as steel almost instantly. She licked him and ran her teeth along his length lightly. Sand cried out and clutched at her hair so fiercely she thought he'd pull it out.

Bishop thrust himself deeply into her one last time and climaxed. He fell forward and braced himself on the bed to keep from crushing her. Gwyn wriggled out from under him and mounted Sand. He cried out in elvish, but Gwynyth didn't quite catch what he said. She was hearing colors the way Sand had earlier. She yelped when Sand flipped her over onto her back and whispered in her ear, "You're always on top, you little vixen."

Bishop knelt on the floor leaning against the edge of the bed, his breathing quickening as he saw Sand and Gwyn together. He wanted her again very badly. At least he was getting a nice show, although it was a little difficult to concentrate when there were pixies flying everywhere and it sounded like an ocean was roaring in his ears. It also seemed like a pair of arms was wrapping around him from behind. He looked down to find there _were_ arms wrapped around him, and there was a body pressing into him from behind. He tilted his head back and groaned as his neck was bitten and a pair of hands slid down to stroke his rock-hard erection.

Casavir pressed gently against Bishop's shoulders until his torso was lying on the bed. As Casavir's manhood entered him, Bishop dug his fingers into the mattress and bit the blanket. He cried out as the paladin thrust in and out of him. When they had both been satisfied, they climbed onto the bed and collapsed in complete exhaustion.

* * *

Gwynyth awoke the next morning to the sounds of birds chirping outside and Bishop screaming in rage. She bolted upright in bed to see the irate ranger strangling Casavir, whose face was turning lovely shades of blue. Without a second thought she cast a paralysis spell on Bishop. She and Sand pried him off the paladin.

"Cas, what happened?" asked Gwynyth as the paladin struggled to breathe.

"Well . . ." he said, gasping for air, "I woke up this morning lying in Bishop's arms. When I cried out, he woke up screaming. That's when he throttled me."

"What did we _do_ last night?!" asked Gwyn in a panicked voice as she realized they were all naked.

"Hmm," Sand said thoughtfully, "I remember we were down stairs drinking, and we seemed to get drunk very quickly. I began hearing colors at some point, and when I looked up at Gwynyth I realized I was incredibly attracted to her. It was to the point of obsession even."

"I, too, felt an unusually strong attraction to Gwynyth," said Casavir.

"I felt like that toward all three of you. I wanted you all at once really badly, and the feeling just came out of nowhere," said Gwynyth.

"Perhaps we're dealing with some sort of love elixir, then?" Sand mused. "It would explain how we became absolutely obsessed with each other, and why I'm still feeling that way somewhat. I take it you two are feeling that way as well?" Gwyn and Casavir both nodded. "A love elixir certainly fits then, although it doesn't quite explain the hallucinations or the drunken stupor."

"Good theory, but what caused Bishop to try and kill Cas?" Gwyn asked.

"Well let's see, I remember Casavir pointed out last night that we'd been drugged, and we went upstairs to sleep it off," Sand continued. "I don't seem to recall that we did much sleeping though."

"Now I remember," said Gwynyth. "We were doing things to each other. And you all _did me!_"

"I remember making love to you, Gwynyth," said Casavir, "and then Bishop made love to you. When he was finished, I . . ."

"You what?" Sand asked impatiently.

"Bishop and I made love to each _other_," Casavir said, his voice shaking.

"Which would explain why he tried to kill you," Gwynyth said. "But how did we get drugged? We were just drinking ale."

"And _Qara_ brought the pitcher to us! That little harpy bitch poisoned us!" Sand snarled.

"We don't know that for sure," Casavir said, "but we can certainly find out."

"Yes, that's right. You paladins can tell if someone is lying! We'll track her down and get her to spill her story!" said the moon elf.

Just then, Bishop's paralysis wore off. Instead of trying to kill Casavir, however, he curled into a fetal position and sobbed.

"I'll let you two interrogate the little whore that did this to us," Gwynyth said. "I'm going to take care of Bishop."

* * *

Sand and Casavir got dressed and went to look for Qara. Gwynyth stayed behind and held Bishop during his mental break-down. She stroked his hair and kissed him as he cried and babbled hysterically.

When he'd finally calmed down, Gwynyth convinced him to get dressed. Fully clothed, the two of them left and walked back to the keep, Karnywyr and Muffin in tow. Bishop held her hand and stumbled along as if he was barely aware of the world around him. Gwyn wasn't quite sure what to do to snap him out of this state.

"Uh, how are you feeling Bishop?" she asked tentatively.

"_Very. Dirty_," he said.

When they walked into the keep, Gwynyth flagged down a servant and told him to get a bath tub ready for her in her room. When it was ready, she brought Bishop into her room and closed the door. She undressed both of them and they slipped into the tub. She scrubbed him, and he seemed to perk up a little. When he was clean, he scrubbed her as well. She chuckled as he used this as an excuse to explore her body. He must not have been _too_ badly damaged by the previous night.

They climbed out of the tub and dried off. Before Gwynyth could put on some clean clothes, Bishop stopped her. He pulled her close to him and kissed her roughly. Once again, she felt the same incredibly strong attraction toward him that she had felt the previous night. She kissed him back, and she could feel his erection pressing against her. Her hands went down to stroke it and he shuddered against her.

Gwynyth sank to her knees and took Bishop into her mouth. He moaned and grabbed onto a nearby armoire to steady himself. He reveled in the feel of her mouth on his manhood, and gasped as she took him into her throat. After a little more of this, he picked her up, laid her on the bed, and took her.

After he took her a third time, they just held each other for awhile. Gwynyth smiled when he used one of her breasts as a pillow.

"That was _very_ therapeutic," he said. She giggled, and he held her closer.

"Gwyn?" he asked.

"Yeah?"

"Am I – gay now?"

"I don't know. What you did to me now certainly wasn't gay, and when you tried to kill Casavir it seemed pretty obvious you didn't like what you'd done with him," she said.

"That's the thing. This morning I realized I felt something for him, and it scared the hells out of me. That's why I went off the deep end like that," Bishop said.

"Well Sand thinks we were given a love elixir. I don't know too much about them, but I seem to recall reading that they cause one to develop a deep infatuation for whomever the imbiber 'falls in love with.' You could even get infatuated with anyone, and not necessarily the person who gave the potion to you."

"Oh gods, that's good to know," Bishop said. He sighed in relief.

* * *

That afternoon, Bishop and Gwynyth found Casavir and Sand in the library. The latter two were sitting at a table piled high with books. Sand was staring at some notes in front of him and frowning.

"So what did the little flame-throwing whore have to say?" Gwyn asked.

"Nothing good," Sand grumbled. "I was right about the love elixir. She made it to force Bishop to sleep with her, but obviously it didn't work the way she thought it would. The elixir is only part of the problem though. It seems that Qara didn't follow the recipe for it exactly. She also threw in some extra aphrodisiacs, some hallucinogenic herbs, and some liquor to make it insanely potent. Now, the alcohol, aphrodisiacs and hallucinogenic herbs would have worn off by now. This explains why we're not currently having an orgy right here in the library or seeing pixies. However, the love elixir is still in effect due to its magical component. In order to counteract it, we have to know exactly how she made it."

"How did she make it?" Bishop asked.

"That's the problem," Sand growled. "Qara doesn't _remember_ exactly how she made it! She knows she substituted some ingredients for others, but doesn't remember what they were! Oh, and you think I'm done yet? No, get this; she doesn't even remember which book she found the recipe in!"

"So we're all hopelessly attracted to each other for the rest of our lives?" Casavir asked.

"Exactly," Sand sighed. "Although I was already hopelessly attracted to Gwynyth," Sand chuckled.

"So was I," Casavir said as he blushed.

"Yeah, me too, so no complaints there," said Bishop. "But I didn't have feelings for the _paladin_ before this started!" He fumed. _Oh Qara, _Bishop thought_. There may be nothing I can do about this stupid elixir, but there are plenty of things I can do to you! _

* * *

The next morning, Crossroad Keep's inhabitants were awakened by the ranting of an angry druidess.

"Gwynyth! There's another naked statue under my tree, Gwynyth! Gwynyth!"

Under cover of invisibility spells, Sand and Bishop grinned evilly at Qara's naked statue.


	4. Chapter 4: Testing Bishop's Limits

*** I've updated this with some races I'd left out earlier. Still can't think of anything to say about tieflings though.

All characters minus the Kalak-chas are owned by Obsidian entertainment. I also don't own the Jolly Green Giant. I'm rating this "M" due to the language and sexual themes.

I've noticed Bishop falling in love with KC's of many different species in the fanfics I read, and some of them make me laugh. A lot. Furthermore, women in the game can look butt ugly and he's still programmed to fall for them, bitch at the paladin, and betray her in the end. All this, despite the fact that one of the deleted banters reveals that Bishop would never screw a githyanki chick unless he was that desperate. Clearly he really does have limits. This topic is therefore a perfect candidate for my, "Some things Will Never Happen" series.

I wonder what his thought process is really like when he meets these chicks. Let's test Bishop's limits, shall we? I'm not entirely serious about his limits, but then, when am I entirely serious about anything? I'm a totally random, sarcastic smart ass with ADD of course!

_Testing Bishop's Limits_

~The Elf~

Bishop sat in his usual chair at the Sunken Flagon, drinking and glaring at everyone. He was bored as all hells. In fact, Karnwyr had fallen asleep at his feet a long time ago for that very reason. Bishop was considering the idea of getting a whore, but he didn't have a lot of money.

At that moment the front door opened and a strange group of adventurers walked in. He saw a tiefling, a dwarf, an elven druid, and a dark-haired, elven ranger. She was a wood elf just like the druid, and quite pretty, except for one small detail: her eyebrows resembled hairy caterpillars crawling across her face.

_If she just plucked her eyebrows she'd definitely be doable,_ Bishop thought._ She'd never be receptive to the idea though, unless I could get away with plucking them in her sleep. No, she'd wake up for sure. Hmm. I'm thinking roofies and eyebrow wax. Yes!_

~The Drow~

Bishop looked up as the front door of the tavern opened. In walked a very strange group of adventurers, led by a small, slight woman in dark leathers. Her hood was drawn over her face, and his eyes stayed glued to the sexy mystery-woman. She argued with Duncan for a bit, trying to get him to admit he was Duncan. Finally she became frustrated, tore off her hood and shouted, "I'm your niece, and Daeghun sent me to talk about this stupid chunk of silver damn it!"

Bishop's eyes remained glued to the woman, only she was no longer a mystery-woman. Now she was a drow with ruby-red eyes, multiple ear piercings, a nose ring, and a completely shaved scalp.

"Lomilia!" Duncan shouted as he swept her into a bear hug. He stepped back and rubbed the top of her bald head. "Wow, you did a great job rebelling against your father. Not that I blame you, lass!" They sat down and talked about the shard.

_Okay, interesting development, _Bishop thought. _I guess I could fuck her in the dark . . . and hide her razor. Hells, I'll find all the razors in this shithole and dump them all in the fucking harbor. _

~The Dwarf~

A strange group of adventurers walked into the Flagon, consisting of two dwarves, a tiefling and a wood elf. He watched them and listened to their conversation. It appeared the female dwarf was the leader. There was something about her that held his interest. He wasn't quite sure what it was, and settled back to think about it.

_Wait, _he thought after much pondering, _this is _me_ I'm thinking about. What's the _one_ thing that interests me about women? That's right: sex. But she's so short, fat and, just, dwarfish. _He stared idly into his ale, contemplating this and the lack of money that prevented him from getting a wench at the brothel. Then his eyebrows rose as a revelation dawned on him. _That's it;_ _I will drink the dwarf sexy! Enough ale in me and she'll look like a goddess. Although, how much is it going to cost to get the dwarf drunk enough to bed me? Damn it, _no one_ has that kind of money! Okay, no freaky dwarf sex._

~The Gnome~

A gnomish woman walked into the Flagon followed by a dwarf, a tiefling and a wood elf. Bishop smirked as he realized he could probably make a joke out of that. He stared at the gnome through his drunken, blurry vision.

_Damn, three holesh and a pulse, yesh! Am I slurring in my thoughtsh? _He glanced at all the empty ale mugs on the table. _Whoa, I'm fucked up. Yeah I could do her, once I get past the fuckin' urge to shoot her full of arrows. 'Course after twelve alesh, I'd do any—_he thought before he passed out face-down on the table.

~The Fire Genasi~

A dwarf, a tiefling, an elf and of all things, a _fire genasi_ walked into a tavern. The latter was beautiful, and Bishop was entranced by the flames that danced around her head.

_I would totally fuck her,_ Bishop thought, _but the flaming skull means I can't kiss her, and blow jobs are _definitely_ out of the question. Now how am I going to find out if she's on fire in other important places? Should I spy on her when she takes a bath? And how in the hells does she take a bath without all the water evaporating?_

~The Halfling~

A beautiful Halfling woman walked into a tavern, complete with her rag-tag group of adventurers. The ranger in the corner instantly weighed the pros and cons of ravaging her.

_Well, her size makes her a portable wench. Just put some handles on her, or I could probably just throw her in my pack and take her into the woods. That would be awesome. I can take booze in the woods, but there usually aren't wenches out there, _Bishop thought as he swallowed some more ale. _Wait, she's so tiny, what if I lost her in bed?! Or what if I squished her?! Damn, it's a good thing I don't think out loud. My reputation would be shot._

~The Earth Genasi~

An earth genasi, a dwarf, a tiefling and a wood elf walked into the Sunken Flagon. Bishop stared at the earth genasi. He didn't care that it was rude. After all, he was an evil bastard, and he did have a reputation to uphold. Besides, how often did one see an earth genasi? The woman had green hair, green skin, small eyes, and a nose that was so small it almost didn't exist. She wasn't exactly pretty, but he had done some really ugly chicks in the past and she outshined them easily.

_Okay, so I do the green chick and dump her the next day, as per usual. But her dad is like, what, the Jolly Green Giant? So he tracks me down and pummels the shit out of me for defiling his daughter while all I can do is try to shoot him with puny little arrows. Yeah. That's a nice happy ending. _So,_ no sex with green wenches anytime soon._

~The Half Orc~

A half orc walked into the Flagon followed by a tiefling, a dwarf, and an elf. The latter three were all arguing.

"Shut up!" screamed the half orc. Instantly everyone in her party went silent. She went and talked to Duncan for awhile, and then Sand came in and caused an explosion after bragging about his keen arcane senses. Afterward she looked around the room and spotted Bishop. She walked up to him and said, "You've been staring at me the whole time I've been here. Why? Something on your mind?"

"Just that I think drooling wenches with tusks are sexy," replied the smart ass ranger. After that, the last thing he remembered was a fist coming at him right before it caved in half his face.

"Lola!" shouted the elven druid. The latter hurried to the ranger's side. "You can't keep punching all the men who anger you, really! I'm running out of healing spells!"

"Fine, I'll buy some healing potions, 'Mommy,'" Lola grumbled.

"And you'll stop punching every man who makes a rude comment about you?" asked the druid.

"Hells no!" Lola exclaimed. "If they don't want me to pound their faces into the ground, _they_ should shut their damn mouths!"

~The Aasimar~

A motley band of adventurers walked into the Sunken Flagon. Their leader was the motliest of all. She was an aasimar, with blue skin, blue eyes, and ice blue hair. She hardly looked like she was living up to her heritage as part celestial, however. Her leathers and weapons screamed, "rogue," and she had a Mohawk! Bishop watched her, deep in thought.

_Well she's obviously chaotic, and there's no way she's a goody-two-shoes. The fucking hair though!_ Bishop thought. _If I did her, I'd be tempted to fuck her in the dark, but she'd probably end up poking my eyes out with those damn spikes! That settles it. I am hiding all the razors within a fifty mile radius, and all the hair gel. Cool, now I have something to do finally. _

One week later . . . .

Nevalle stomped into Castle Never and marched straight up to Lord Nasher. He didn't bother to bow, and he completely ignored the people who were currently seeking an audience with the lord of Neverwinter.

"Nevalle?" Nasher asked, completely caught off guard. "What is the meaning of this?"

"What do you think!?" Nevalle said, pointing at his head. His blond hair was sticking up everywhere, and there were huge tufts of frizz in it. His face was covered in stubble. "Someone stole my razor _and _my hair gel! I've been to every merchant in this city looking for more, but all the razors and gel are sold out!"

"I am hardly sympathetic, Nevalle. You actually _have _hair, whereas I've suffered from male pattern baldness for years. Don't you think there are more important things to worry about? Like, I don't know, maybe the murders in Black Lake? Or the trouble down at the docks?"

"You don't understand!" exclaimed Nevalle. "The only reason people listen to me is because of my perfect appearance. Without it, I'm . . . I'm powerless!"

"I'm sure the merchants will order new shipments of razors and hair gel, Nevalle," Nasher said impatiently. "Just wear a hat or something until then."

One week later . . .

Bishop stood at the docks and watched as sailors unloaded crates from a ship. One of the crates caught his eye. He walked up to the ship's captain.

"How much were the merchants going to pay for that shipment over there?" he asked, pointing at the crate.

"Fifty gol' pieces," replied the captain.

"I'll double it," Bishop said. After he'd finished his transaction, he took the crate (labeled 'hair gel and razors') and threw it straight in the harbor. His work done for the day, he walked toward the Flagon to get a drink.

~Human~

A woman walked into the Sunken Flagon with a tiefling, a dwarf and an elf. She walked up to Duncan and talked to him for awhile, then talked to Sand. After an explosion and some more discussion, Sand left. The woman just stood where she was, staring off into space and drooling.

_Well she'd be an easy lay. I could tell her I'm cursed and that the only cure is to get laid. _Bishop laughed sinisterly. _Never in a million years did I think I'd meet someone dumb enough to fall for that one!_

Later that night, Neeshka sat at the bar drinking. A human sat next to her and introduced himself as Bishop.

"Tell me something, why is it that you, the dwarf and the elf actually follow the dumb chick?" he asked.

"Well, I'm traveling with her group for protection since I'm a tiefling and tend to be a target to assholes everywhere. Khelgar (the dwarf) is with us because he likes the fights we always end up in. The tree worshipper . . . I'm not sure about her, all I know is she's a spy, and she's kinda creepy," Neeshka explained.

"How did she make it this far? How did she even find her way here, and how did she survive infancy for that matter?" asked the ranger.

"Dunno," the tiefling replied. "It's weird though, despite the fact that she's a drooling moron, she still seems to do the right things in the right situations. She acts all mechanical the whole time though. It's almost like she's a puppet, and she's being controlled by someone else from behind the scenes."

"Wow," Bishop said. "There are some things I will never understand."

"There's a surprise," said Neeshka.

"_Watch it," _Bishop snapped.

~The Half Elf~

A half elf mage walked into Duncan's tavern followed by a tiefling rogue, a dwarven fighter, and an elven druid. As she flagged down Duncan and began talking to him, Bishop frowned at her.

_Why is it that all the half elves around here have huge noses and asses?! _Bishop grumbled mentally. _And if they don't have huge noses, they have smashed in faces or they look like they just sucked on a lemon and can't stop puckering! The only way I can get past the face is to put a bag over her head, but she'd never let me do that of course. Fuck this, I'm gonna go shoot Luskans. _


	5. Chapter 5: Love Squares and Squabbles

All characters mentioned are the property of Obsidian Entertainment with the exception of Gwynyth.

_Of Love Squares and Squabbles_

Gwynyth sat on the outer wall of Crossroad Keep crying. She hadn't told anyone where she was going, and she had concealed her presence with an invisibility spell. The last thing she wanted was to talk to anyone.

Here she was at the age of thirty with more pressure on her than any young half elf should have to deal with. She had a piece of the Sword of Gith embedded in her chest, the King of Shadows was trying to take over the world, she was expected to find the remaining shards and reform the sword, and then use it to kill the King of Shadows. If that wasn't enough, everyone in West Harbor was dead, Shandra was dead, and she had an entire keep – no – an entire _world_ depending on her. Well really, apparently all the planes depended on her. Did her strife end there though? Of course not! Now she was madly in love with three men at the same time because of a love elixir, and all the boys concerned were fighting. She used to think the fights between Bishop and Casavir were bad, but now she _actually _missed them. They seemed so mild compared to the current fights.

They had attempted to act as if the love elixir had never been given to them. After all, she and Sand had been an item before their drug-induced orgy with Casavir and Bishop. Sand hadn't made a fuss over the orgy, having rightfully vented his anger on Qara with his naked statue prank (with some assistance from Bishop).

After that it soon became apparent that their approach wasn't working. Bishop and Casavir both did romantic things for her in an obvious attempt to win her over. They fought with each other, and Sand didn't help matters either. He was insanely jealous of the ranger and the paladin and did his share of bickering as well (albeit a lot more sarcastically).

This evening Gwynyth had finally just lost it and told them all to fuck off because she refused to be with any of them if this was how things were going to be. She couldn't take anymore of the fighting on top of all the other pressures in her life. She had also been struggling with her feelings for Bishop and Casavir, which she couldn't seem to stop because of the stupid elixir. Of course, she still had to beat herself up and feel guilty for having feelings for them despite being in love with Sand. All of this made her want to crawl in a hole and die.

* * *

Sand, Casavir and Bishop sat in the tavern. Gwynyth had just stormed out of the Phoenix sobbing because of their incessant arguing. Each of them felt like a complete idiot.

After some time, Bishop broke the silence by saying, "Am I the only one who feels like a complete ass?"

"No," Casavir answered. He sighed and buried his face in his hands.

"We haven't been fair to Gwynyth at all," Sand said.

"No we haven't," Casavir agreed. "Lives are at stake, and they all depend on Gwynyth's ability to reform a githyanki sword of all things and use it to kill a virtually inviolable force with it. Instead of helping her with this burden, we just had to go and . . . and . . . ."

"Fuck it all up?" Bishop suggested, completing Casavir's sentence most helpfully.

"Well, yes, although I was looking for something a bit less crude."

"What are we going to do?" Bishop asked, clutching at his hair with his fists. "Every single one of us is going to lose her at this rate."

"An apology would be a good start," said Casavir.

"Yes," said Sand, "but I think we need to do more than that."

"I'm assuming you have an idea?" Bishop asked. "I really hope so, because I have absolutely zero experience with apologizing to girls."

"Well, I hate to say this, but I think we should stop fighting the love elixir. It's obvious we all love the girl, and we can't possibly help it. It's also obvious she feels conflicted over loving us all. We should just share her and _try_ to be cordial with one another. We could be one big happy . . . love square . . . instead of a bunch of idiots fighting over a 'prize.'"

"That does sound better than the alternative where we all lose her," said Casavir.

"Agreed," said Bishop, "but I plan on tormenting the _hells_ out of Qara."

"You already do that," Sand.

"Yes, but now I plan to use her as a human shield on the battle field," replied the ranger with a twisted little grin on his face. Apparently his head injury hadn't _entirely_ erased his evil tendencies.

"Not if I use her first!" Sand exclaimed. "But at any rate, let's find Gwynyth."

* * *

Bishop managed to track Gwyn to the mage's tower. From there, they figured Gwyn had likely stepped onto the outer wall of the keep for some privacy. They couldn't see her as they walked along the wall, but sight wasn't necessary. They simply had to follow the sound of uncontrollable sobbing.

Sand dispelled Gwynyth's invisibility and they all embraced her. They apologized and told her their plan. She smiled at this, although she didn't stop crying. Now she was crying out of happiness and relief.

Casavir swept her into his arms playfully and carried her to her room, Sand and Bishop following close behind. In the captain's suite they made love to Gwynyth again. This time there were no drugs, pixies or other nasty surprises.


	6. Chapter 6: Battle Aftermaths

All characters are the property of Obsidian Entertainment except Gwynyth. With that out of the way, let's get back to torturing the hells out of the characters!

_Battle Aftermaths_

Sand struggled to dig himself out of the rubble. After the King of Shadows had died, the Vale of Merdeleine had collapsed. Before he could be crushed by falling stone, Sand had chanted the words to a transmutation spell. He was now a golem, and this was the only thing that had saved him from certain doom. He strained against the huge stones that pinned him down, knowing that as soon as the spell wore off he'd be even less able to dig himself out.

He managed to free himself from the rubble and began searching for his friends. With the massive strength imparted to him by his golem form, Sand tore through the remains of the vale. He found Elanee's dead body, crushed almost beyond recognition. He moved her remains to the edge of the ruins for later burial, for her body was far too damaged to be resurrected. Grobnar's body was recovered next. Sand found him lying on top of his construct, as if trying to save him from falling debris. Unfortunately, this meant he had sacrificed himself. Like Elanee, he could not be resurrected. He wrote off finding Qara's body. He had disintegrated her after she had sided with the King of Shadows. Her betrayal hadn't been too surprising. After all, he had been abusing her mercilessly after the love elixir debacle. Bishop and Gwynyth had happily joined in, although Casavir had elected to be a good boy and forgive her. Ah well, the rest of them had still managed to whittle away at Qara's influence until it was -217.

Sand felt discouraged by finding only dead bodies, but continued his search. Eventually he heard muffled cries coming from under the debris, and he focused his digging efforts in the location they were coming from. He found Bishop. His legs were pinned under a stone column, but he was alive. He moved the column aside and carried the injured ranger to the edge of the ruins. Promising to heal Bishop if he found any healing potions, he went back to his search. Bishop just nodded and stared sadly at the bodies of Elanee and Grobnar.

Neeshka was found in a little cave created by the fallen stones. She was bruised and scratched, but otherwise healthy. She credited her survival to her lucky coin. Upon hearing of Bishop's condition, she ran to him to give him her last healing potion. Bishop drank it down gratefully. He was still somewhat injured, but he was strong enough to walk now. He and Neeshka helped with the search for survivors.

Khelgar was located alive and in good health. Additionally he had some interesting things to say about Gwynyth and Ammon Jerro. He filled Sand in on the news while they both dug through the ruins.

"I saw Gwyn pinned under some rocks, and I tried to get to her. Before I could, these bleedin' gargoyles came out of nowhere and dragged her toward a portal. I yelled at 'em and chased 'em, but they outran me and made it through the portal. Ammon Jerro followed after them, and then the portal was gone."

"Oh _gods_," said the elf-turned-golem, "As if things couldn't get any worse!" He stepped up his efforts to find Zhjaeve and Casavir. Eventually Casavir was located. He was dead, but his body looked to be in good enough shape for resurrection. As soon as he saw the paladin, Bishop went hysterical. He clung to Casavir's body and sobbed. Khelgar had to pry him off the body while Bishop screamed and fought him the whole time. Sand returned to his normal form, walked up to the ranger and slapped him in the face.

"Would you stop the hysterics, boy? He can be resurrected!" Sand yelled in his face.

"He can?!" Bishop asked frantically. "Where's the rod of resurrection?!"

"Gwynyth had it," Sand explained. "Furthermore, all the healers in the group are either dead or missing."

"Give me your bag of holding," Bishop demanded.

"This is hardly the time to be shoving rabbits into my bag of holding, ranger!" Sand said impatiently. Bishop promptly ignored him and took the bag of holding out of the mage's pack anyway. He dumped all the contents on the ground as Sand cursed at him in several different languages. When Bishop began the process of getting Casavir's body into the bag, Sand's curses died on his lips. He simply left Bishop to his work and picked his belongings up off the ground.

Neeshka informed them that she couldn't find Zhjaeve anywhere. Khelgar said he couldn't remember seeing her around after the King of Shadows had died. It was agreed that the githzerai had most likely returned to her home plane after their enemy had been destroyed. Khelgar put the bodies of Elanee and Grobnar in a magic bag so they could be buried later at Crossroad Keep. Once Bishop had stowed Casavir's body in the bag of holding, the group followed Bishop out of the Mere.

Sand caught up with Bishop and walked beside him. He cleared his throat. "So, first you fill my bag of holding with rabbits, and then you fill it with paladins. I'm almost afraid to ask, but what's next?"

"Shut up, smart ass," Bishop retorted. "Lives are more important than the cleanliness of your stupid bag of holding."

"I certainly agree with you in that regard, but I still sometimes find it hard to believe you of all people would care about anyone's life but your own," the mage said. Bishop said nothing.

"Listen, I didn't have time to mention this before the battle, but there is something that concerns me about Gwynyth," Sand said.

"Of course there is!" Bishop growled. "She was crushed by rocks and then kidnapped by gargoyles!"

"No, what I mean is that I have an additional concern," Sand explained. Bishop sighed.

"Spill it," he said.

"Well, I saw Gwynyth throwing up before the battle. I asked her if she was alright but she brushed me off, which is most unlike her. I'm wondering if she's with child," Sand explained. Bishop stopped walking and turned to the mage.

"_What?_" he asked.

"She threw up before the battle, like I said. While we were traveling through the vale I thought about it further, and there are other things that support the idea. She wasn't eating much in the two weeks before we came here, but sometimes she would binge on things she doesn't normally like. And have you noticed she's well overdue for her, uh, courses?" Bishop sank to his knees in complete and total shock.

"You're right. I saw her eat a bunch of mushrooms one day, and usually she hates them. And it has been too long since her courses. I didn't notice because of this fucking war." Bishop, remembering the bag of holding in his pack, stood back up and resumed his trek through the Mere.

"So . . . gods, any one of us could be the father," Bishop said after walking in silence for some time.

"I'm afraid so," Sand agreed. "There is a possibility that stress delayed her cycle, and all the symptoms were caused by her impending courses. The problem with that hypothesis is that I've never seen her react that way in such a situation in the past."

"Yeah," Bishop said with a sad smile on his face. "Usually she just eats a bunch of chocolate and bitches at us."

"Yes, and then she begs me for marshmallow tea," Sand said. The two fell silent again.

"How in the _hells_ are we going to get her back?" Bishop asked. "Those gargoyles dragged her through a portal. She could be anywhere."

"I might be able to scry her location," Sand said. "If I can find where she is, it may be possible to get to her, depending on where she is of course."

"Good," the ranger said, "because I have no idea how to track this one."

* * *

Their trek through the Mere was difficult, made even more so by their exhaustion. Neeshka asked several times if they might stop and take a break, but Bishop insisted it was too dangerous. Sand suspected he was really more concerned with Casavir and Gwynyth.

They arrived at Crossroad Keep at midday. Bishop marched straight to the temple of Tyr and walked into the office of Ivarr. The latter was in the middle of some paperwork, but Bishop spoke up without bothering to apologize for the interruption.

"I need you to help my friend," Bishop said.

"Let me finish what I'm doing and I'll be right with you," replied Ivarr impatiently. Bishop didn't like that answer. He took out the bag of holding and deposited its contents right on the desk.

"What are you doing—Casavir!" exclaimed Ivarr. He immediately chanted the words to a resurrection spell. Casavir gasped for air as color returned to his skin.

"Cas!" Bishop shouted. He clung to the paladin. "Oh _gods_, I thought I'd lost you!"

"Bishop . . . where are we? What happened? Where are the others?" asked the confused paladin.

"You broke your back and you died. We dug you out of the ruins after the battle, and I brought you here to the temple. Elanee and Grobnar are dead, and Gwynyth . . . Gwynyth is lost," the ranger said, his voice choked with tears upon speaking of the commander.

"My _gods_, how can she be lost? Is she still trapped in the Vale of Merdelein?"

"Khelgar said a bunch of gargoyles took her through a portal right after she was bashed up with rocks. Sand says he might be able to scry her." Casavir climbed off the desk, papers falling to the floor. He picked up the papers, thanked Ivarr, and walked out of the temple with Bishop on his heels.

They found Sand in the basement of the keep preparing to scry for Gwynyth. He looked up when they walked in.

"Oh good, you're back amongst the living," Sand said to the paladin.

"Indeed. I'm really more concerned with Gwynyth though. Bishop said you could scry for her?" Casavir said.

"That's what I'm preparing to do," Sand said. "Hopefully she isn't too far away and we can get her _and_ the baby out of danger."

"Baby?" Casavir asked as his eyebrows rose.

"Clearly the ranger left out that little detail when he briefed you. Bishop, please explain while I finish my preparations," Sand said.

"Uh, yeah, Sand saw Gwyn throw up before we left for the vale. She hasn't been eating much, but she binges on stuff she doesn't really like. I saw her eat a bunch of mushrooms," Bishop explained.

"Normally I'd say nerves could explain the vomiting, but, mushrooms? Usually she won't eat anything that's even _touched_ mushrooms," Casavir said.

"Tell me about it. Once I put mushrooms in the stew when we were camping. She ate some, bit into a mushroom, and gave the rest of her stew to Karnwyr. She actually preferred _trail rations_ over the stew," Bishop said as he rolled his eyes.

"Well if she is with child, I wonder who the father is," Casavir murmured.

"That part scares me," Bishop said. "I mean, could you picture _me_ as a dad?"

"Well, since I smashed you into the Flagon you've rescued rabbits, taken a bunny as your animal companion, fed cookies to orphans and cried over Grobnar whilst trying to heal him. I'd say just about anything is possible at this point," Casavir said smiling.

"He also cried over your dead body, dear paladin," Sand said.

"You did?" Casavir asked Bishop incredulously.

"I did not!" Bishop snapped.

"Did too," Sand said.

"Did _not_."

"You're lying Bishop," Casavir said. Bishop hung his head.

"Yeah, I guess I . . . cried. A little," he mumbled.

"A little? It was more like a waterfall of tears flowed from your eyes, and Khelgar had to wrench you off Casavir's body using the strength of the Belt of Ironfist," Sand clarified. He was enjoying this entirely too much.

"Shut up," Bishop said.

"Then I had to slap you to get your attention and inform you that resurrection was possible," Sand added.

"Shut _up_, elf!"

"Oh, and let's not leave out the part where you dumped all the _expensive_ and _rare_ reagents from my bag of holding so you could put Casavir's body in it and take him to the temple to be raised," said the smiling moon elf.

"_Shut up_," Bishop growled.

"By the way my dear, love struck ranger, where is the bag of holding? I'd like it back," Sand said. Bishop threw the bag in his face.

"Thank you," Sand said wryly. "Now go comfort your beloved paladin while I scry for Gwynyth."

"The _only _reason I am not killing you right now is because I need you to find Gwynyth!" Bishop yelled, his voice positively shaking with anger. "You'd better hope you fucking find her, or I'm using you for target practice."

Casavir put his hand on Bishop's shoulder. "Let's just leave Sand to his work, Bishop." He and the angry ranger walked out of the basement.

* * *

Bishop stalked out of the basement and headed straight for the Phoenix. Casavir was right behind him. As filthy, tired and hungry as he was, the last thing he wanted was ale, but Bishop worried him. He vowed to take care of Bishop under the guise of getting drunk with him.

He ordered ale and dinner from Sal and sat down with Bishop. When their ale arrived, Bishop immediately consumed the contents of his entire mug and asked for more.

"If you're planning to get drunk in less than five minutes, you're doing a great job," Casavir said. Bishop just grunted. They sat in silence until the food arrived. When it did, the paladin dug into his food while the ranger ignored his completely.

"Bishop, you haven't eaten since we ate rations in the Vale of Merdelein," Casavir said.

"I'm not hungry," Bishop grumbled, downing his second ale.

"How can you not be hungry after a day-and-a-half of not eating?"

"How can _you_ eat at a time like this? Gwyn is gods-know-where, pregnant with what could be _my_ baby, and we have no idea if she's even safe or alive!"

"How do you think I feel? I just want to charge after her so I can protect her, but there's no way. I do know _starvation _won't bring her back, though," Casavir said impatiently. He shoved Bishop's plate closer to him for emphasis, but the plate went untouched.

"_Eat_, or I'll have Sal cut off your alcohol," Casavir said with malice. Bishop sighed and shoveled some food into his mouth. He ate half his food and went back to drinking. Casavir rolled his eyes at this but said nothing.

Sand came into the tavern a few minutes later. Casavir and Bishop immediately pressed him for information.

"I'm sorry to say this," Sand said, "but my scrying spell was blocked."

"Blocked? How?" Bishop asked.

"Scrying spells can be blocked by any number of things, including spells, one's innate resistance to magic, the subject being on another plane, thick stone walls or even a lead sheet. It could have been anything," explained the mage.

"Can you try again?" asked the ranger.

"No, I have to wait another twenty-four hours until I can try again. I'm also going to need more spell components. I used my last hawk's eye in the failed attempt to find Gwynyth."

"I could get you more," said Bishop. Hunting sounded really good right about now. He'd do anything to keep his mind off Gwynyth, especially if it helped to get her back. He picked up his bow and stood up, but Casavir shoved him back down.

"Get it tomorrow when you're not drunk and exhausted," Casavir said. Bishop swore. He signaled to Sal for more ale.

Sand stayed and chatted with Bishop and Casavir for awhile. He left as soon as he finished eating, explaining he'd need to be rested for his next scrying attempt. Neeshka and Khelgar came in and sat with them. The tiefling gave Bishop a hug when she saw how upset he was. "We'll get her back," she said.

Seven ales later, Casavir noticed Bishop was swaying in his chair. He walked him back to his room at the keep. Bishop was far too drunk to protest. He leaned on Casavir the whole way.

Once in his room, Bishop shocked the hells out of Casavir by hugging him and crying.

"Oh _godsh_, I'm so glad you're alive!" sobbed the drunken ranger. "I couldn't fucking make it if I losht both of you!" He held tightly to the astonished paladin, crying and shaking. Casavir hugged him back.

"We'll get her back, Bishop," Casavir said soothingly. He pushed Bishop down to sit on the edge of the bed and took off his boots. He was about to stand up and wish his friend good night when he found himself being kissed.

"Bishop?" he asked after he pulled himself away. "What are you doing? I thought you didn't . . . I thought we didn't want . . ."

"I'm sorry. I thought that too. I tried so fucking hard to fight the way I feel, to push you away. But when I thought you were gone, I couldn't shtand it," he said. He wiped his fist across his face in a vein attempt to scrub away his tears. They came right back again. "I . . ." his chin sank to his chest and his shoulders shook. "I love you," Bishop whispered.

"Are you sure?" asked the shell-shocked paladin. After he and Bishop had woken up in each other's arms and discovered what they had done thanks to Qara's elixir, the ranger had been adamant that they would never be together. Bishop would fight the effects of the elixir for the rest of his life if he had to, but he definitely would not give in to it. Casavir, despite his own feelings, had respected that. He realized someone like Bishop, who was used to being the dangerous tough guy, would object to being with a man with every fiber of his being.

"Is this because you're drunk, or because we lost Gwyn?" Casavir asked.

"No," Bishop said, looking him in the eye. "I've been fighting this since that night we slept together. Between the head injury and the fuckin' elix-elixir, I think I've losht it. But I don't care now. I'm just gonna do what I really want now."

"You always have," Casavir chuckled. "I have to admit I'm really surprised by this, but . . ." Casavir decided to just be quiet and kiss Bishop. He never had been any good at expressing his feelings.

* * *

Sand woke up early in the morning and took a blissfully long bath. He hated being dirty, although yesterday he had forsaken a bath in favor of scrying for Gwynyth. Some things were more important than cleanliness, as Bishop had pointed out yesterday.

After breakfast, Sand did an inventory of the magical components in the basement. He found more nitric acid, zinc and copper for future scrying spells, but he still had no hawk, eagle or roc eyes. He sought out Casavir. Perhaps he could send the latter to wake up Bishop. After all, the ranger might be a goody two shoes now, but he was still quite dangerous to all living things first thing in the morning. He received no response when he knocked on the paladin's door, but Casavir must have been busy with his morning devotions. He decided to risk knocking on Bishop's door.

When he knocked on the door, he didn't get a response at first. After the second knock, he heard a voice grumble something along the lines of, "Fuck off." Sand tested the door knob and realized the door was unlocked. That was strange, considering this was Bishop's door and the ranger was always on the alert for attacks. He opened the door and walked into the room.

Sand was greeted with the sight of Bishop sleeping on his bed – along with Casavir. They weren't sleeping under the blankets, and neither one of them wore a stitch of clothing. The latter was strewn wildly across the room. Casavir's underwear was hanging from a painting on the wall. Sand cleared his throat and their eyes flew open.

"What a surprise," Sand said, turning up his sarcasm dial as high as it would go.

"What do you mean what a surprise?" Bishop asked groggily.

"Oh please, the tension between you two had to have been more than just mutual hatred of each other. Else why didn't you ever kill each other?"

"Because . . . Gwynyth would have killed me if I had killed Bishop?" Casavir asked uncertainly.

"As your hesitancy suggests, why would a paladin care about such a thing? It's your job to smite evil, even if it means sacrificing yourself for the greater good," Sand pointed out. He looked very bored with this conversation. Looking to his left, something seemed to catch his eye. He walked over to stare at a painting.

"I didn't realize you wore polka-dot underwear, Casavir. Apparently I misjudged you," he said. Casavir blushed.

"What do you want?" asked a very hung-over Bishop. He groaned and clutched his head.

"I want the eyes of a hawk. Actually, eagle or roc eyes would do nicely, doesn't matter which. I'll get you some ale purgative. You smell like you were _bathing_ in alcohol last night." With that the elf left, leaving the door wide open.

"He's such a pain in the ass," grumbled Bishop as he closed the door.

"Pot, kettle, black," Casavir said as he retrieved his underwear from the painting. "Last night I practically had to force food down your throat to get you to eat and then drag you to the keep when you were drunk."

"You didn't _have_ to do that. You could have just left my drunk ass at the tavern," Bishop pointed out. "Still, it was nice not to wake up face-first in the grass," he said as he pulled up his pants. "Thanks."

"I'm just glad you're not so upset now," Casavir said. He fastened his pants and went to look for his shirt. Before he could do that, though, Bishop grinned and embraced him. He kissed him passionately and grabbed his ass. The door opened just then and Sand walked in.

"If you're trying to shock me dear boy, that tactic won't work. I've seen far too much in my 407 years of life to actually be surprised by much," said the unimpressed moon elf. He set a bottle of ale purgative on the dresser.

"_Really?_" Bishop mocked. "Do tell. It sounds almost like you have personal experience in these matters."

"Hardly," Sand replied. "I'll just let you two get back to experiencing _each other_. Don't take too long though; because I really do need those spell components. I shall be able to scry again this evening."


	7. Chapter 7: A Rude Awakening

All characters in this story are owned by Obsidian Entertainment except Gwynyth.

_A Rude Awakening_

Gwynyth woke up in absolute pain. She was lying on cold stone, unable to move. She wondered about this. Had the falling rocks damaged her so badly that she was paralyzed? That didn't make sense, because she could feel the ground underneath her. She realized she no longer felt the power of the shard in her chest. In its place was nothing but pain and a strange hungering presence.

She heard someone chant some words, and then there was a change in the magical energies around her.

"I'm here, lie still," said a female voice.

"Sure, moving doesn't sound like fun anyway," Gwynyth croaked. "Where am I?"

"We are in a barrow deep beneath the soils of Rasheman," the voice explained.

Gwyn got up slowly despite the pain in her chest. She felt for the scar and realized there was a fresh wound where it had once been. It was stitched up crudely. Looking up she saw a red wizard standing before her. The latter introduced herself as Safiya.

"Forget any rumors you may have heard about red wizards. I'm here to assist you, and that is what I shall do," Safiya told her.

"'kay," Gwynyth said. "I can forget about the rumors if you tell me where the shard is."

"Shard? I was told to find you and that you'd be wounded, but nothing about a shard."

"Yeah, well I had a piece of the Sword of Gith lodged in my chest. Sounds weird, I know, but it's true. Now it's gone, and it looks like it was a drunken five-year-old who removed it and stitched me back up."

"I don't know what to tell you about that. All I can say is that we're in a spirit barrow beneath Rasheman, like I said before, and we need to leave now before the spirits awaken."

"Wait, how in the hells did I come to be in Rasheman? Last thing I remember was falling after the battle with the King of Shadows, and that wasn't anywhere _near_ Rasheman. It was on the bloody Sword Coast for crying out loud!"

"Again, I don't have any answers for you, but I can take you to someone who might. For now, we must get out of here."

"Sure thing," Gwyn said. "I'm keeping my eyes open for drunken five-year-olds, though."

Gwyn did her best to be strong and get through the tunnels with Safiya. It was hard to do so when she was scared to death for her friends wondering if they had made it out of the Vale of Merdelein alive. It didn't help that her stomach felt so queasy.

They encountered some hostile spirits here and there, but she easily defeated them with a summoned vampire and a couple other spells. In between fights she wondered about the nausea. She had felt this way before battling the King of Shadows. As Aldanon had been preparing to set up a gate to the vale, she had gone to her room to get something. While there, a wave of nausea had come over her and she had vomited in the basin. When she looked up, Sand was standing in the doorway looking very concerned.

"My dear girl, are you alright?" he had asked. He closed the space between them and held her.

"I'm fine Sand. I think it's just nerves." Deep down inside she thought she might be pregnant, but she refused to even think about this. This was the wrong time to be having a baby!

"Are you sure?" he asked. He seemed reluctant to believe her explanation.

"I'm fine, don't worry about me," Gwyn insisted.

"I'm afraid I cannot help but worry. I'm hopelessly in love with you, and you're about to fight the twisted guardian of the Illefarn Empire. How can I not worry?"

Gwynyth drove the memories from her thoughts and forced herself to focus on the task at hand. She'd never find out about her loved ones if she failed to get out of this barrow alive.

Safiya and Gwynyth walked up a short flight of stairs. At the top, they were confronted by a spirit wolf named Nakata. She claimed it had been decried by her god that nothing would ever be allowed to exit the chamber of runes below. Gwyn tried to explain that she had woken up there with no knowledge of how she came to be there, but was stopped by a pain in her chest. It felt like her lungs were being crushed, and she sank to her knees in complete and total agony. Suddenly it felt as if her chest was tearing open and a hungering presence leapt out. It consumed Nakata, and then receded into her. She felt revived somehow, and her wound was healed.

"That wasn't exactly a spell, how did you do that?" Safiya asked.

"I know it wasn't a spell, I'm an evoker. Unfortunately I'm just as clueless as you are."

The two confused mages let the subject drop and continued their escape. They worked their way through tunnel after tunnel, and even explored some Imaskari ruins. In the latter they found an Imaskari golem and reactivated it. Gwyn would have considered this to be a fun project if she hadn't been so worried and nauseous.

Eventually they arrived at the exit to the barrow, which was conveniently blocked by a huge spirit bear and a bunch of his spirit cronies. After a lot of threats from the bear (why did enemies always feel the need to recite long speeches?) he attacked. The golem went forward to confront the enemies as Gwyn summoned a vampire and Safiya cast Mordenkainen's Sword. The summons and the construct held off most of the enemies and Gwynyth was able to cast Greater Stoneskin. Gwyn unleashed a meteor storm, and then another for good measure. After this, the spirits were all gone and the bear god's spirit had dispersed.

Gwn looked around to find Safiya but was greeted instead by a huge shadow walker. Fear shot through her and she began chanting the words to another spell. Before she could finish her spell, the nightwalker turned into Safiya.

"Stop!" screamed the red wizard.

"Holy motherfucker!" Gwyn shrieked. "Next time warn me if you're going to change into one of those things! I've spent the last few months fighting armies of shadow walkers, and I was about to absolutely pelt you with spells!"

"Hmm," Safiya said. "Note to self, use that transmutation spell with a bit more caution in the future. Come, let us leave this place."

* * *

Sand raced out of Gwynyth's room. He had been using her mirror to scry for her, and now he had to find Casavir and Bishop. Well he had to find Neeshka and Khelgar as well, but he knew the paladin and the ranger were a bit more desperate to hear what he had to say than the tiefling and the dwarf.

As he ran down the halls, he heard Casavir's voice coming from behind the bathing room door. The door was locked, but he cast a Knock spell and burst in to the bathing room.

"_Augh_!" Bishop and Casavir screamed in unison. Bishop involuntarily squeezed the soap he'd been using on Casavir and it flew into the wall. They were sitting in the same tub, Bishop sitting behind Casavir. Sand seemed quite unconcerned with this sight, though. Apparently this was one of the many things he had seen in his 407 years of life.

"She's alive!" he exclaimed.

"You found her?!" Casavir asked.

"Where is she?!" Bishop asked.

"She was in a cave, but I don't know where. She never said anything about her location, and neither did the woman who was with her – who happens to be a red wizard, by the way, and I think she's a transmuter," Sand babbled excitedly.

"A red wizard?" Casavir asked in a worried tone. "She could still be in danger."

"I didn't get the impression the woman was an immediate threat. In fact, she and Gwynyth were walking side-by-side through the cave," Sand explained. "Perhaps she's a good red wizard?" Sand said shrugging his shoulders.

"_Oh my gods_!" shouted a high voice. The men turned to see Neeshka standing in the doorway. "I _knew_ there was more to the tension between you two than just jealousy!" Casavir turned bright red and covered his face with his hands.

"Oh, mother _fucker_!" Bishop cursed.

"_No_, 'paladin fucker' is more accurate," Neeshka clarified cheerfully.

"I'm sending Karnwyr _and_ Muffin after you if you breathe one word of this to anyone!" Bishop hissed, pointing a soapy finger at her.

"What in the hells is going on in here?" asked Khelgar as he pushed his way past Neeshka. "What – oh sweet gods, _my eyes_!" The dwarf fell to the ground shrieking with his hands clamped over his eyes.

"And we've blinded the dwarf," Sand said. "But that doesn't matter, because Gwynyth is alive!" Neeshka jumped up and down excitedly.

"Where is she?" asked the ecstatic rogue.

"_She's in a cave with a red wizard but we don't know where now will you people please close the damn door_!?" Bishop spouted as fast as he could.

"Wait, is the red wizard a threat?" Neeshka asked, leaving the door wide open.

"We don't _know_, now please leave!" Bishop said as he pinched his nose in frustration.

"Yes, we'll leave," said Khelgar. "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the tavern for the next two or three days trying to erase the memory of you two lads together."

"Good idea," Bishop growled. "Neeshka_, please join him_."


	8. Chapter 8: Drugs are Bad II

Someone asked some good questions about Sand's role in the love triangle. I've decided to answer them. Thanks for the idea, Anesor! Oh yeah, I don't own any of the characters except Gwynyth. Lots of M-rated stuff in this chapter, by the way.

_Drugs are Bad, but Only Sometimes_

Sand couldn't believe his eyes. His scrying spell had failed yet again. He'd only been able to see Gwynyth once, and that was when she was walking through a cave with a red wizard. Since then he'd scried four times, and the spell had been blocked by something each of those times. He didn't know how much more of this he could take.

* * *

Bishop walked through the keep toward the captain's suite. He passed Kana on his way and gave her a mock salute. She nodded in his direction as he walked past. He liked the fact that she still didn't trust him. That meant she wasn't demanding his attention at every hour of the day, although he felt sorry for Casavir. Kana was constantly seeking the latter out due to the Knight Captain's absence. She judged the paladin to be the most trustworthy temporary commander of the surviving group of adventurers. _If you only knew how he behaved in bed, lady,_ Bishop said as he smiled to himself.

He arrived at the captain's suite to find the door closed. He thought Sand would have sought him out by now to give him the news on the latest scrying attempt, but he hadn't. He noticed there was light coming from under the door and proceeded to open it.

"Hey Sand, just wondering if you found Gwyn again . . . I take that as a 'no,'" Bishop said. By "that," Bishop was referring to the fact that Sand was curled up on the floor in a fetal position crying. "Uh, stay there, I'll be right back." Of course that was a rather silly thing to say. He doubted the moon elf would really go anywhere in that condition.

Bishop walked to the kitchen, grabbed a bottle of wine, and walked back toward the captain's suite. On the way out of the kitchen he met up with Casavir.

"You're drinking at noon?" inquired the paladin with a look of disgust on his face as he eyed the bottle of wine.

"It's not for me. Well, not most of it anyway. It's for Sand. He's all upset over the latest scrying spell and I figured he needed to get hammered."

"Is that really your solution every time someone is upset?"

"Yeah . . . isn't it yours?"

Casavir sighed. "Where is he?"

"Gwyn's room. He's curled up in a ball on the floor," replied the ranger. Casavir's eyebrows rose and he walked toward the captain's suite. Bishop followed with the wine.

They sat on the floor on either side of Sand. Casavir held the crying moon elf in his arms and tried to cheer him up without alcohol, but halfway through the first sentence of what was meant to be a pep-talk, Sand eyed the bottle of wine Bishop held. He snatched the bottle out of his hands and drank a third of it in only a few seconds.

"Slow down Sand!" Casavir said.

"Ah, let him go. Elves take forever to get drunk. Besides, I'm sure he has a nice stash of ale purgative somewhere," Bishop said.

"And how would you know this about elves?" Casavir asked.

"Uh, yeah, I got a couple elven chicks drunk when I was a complete bastard," Bishop said.

"I'm glad you don't do those things anymore," Casavir said as he shook his head.

"Yeah, now I just get elven _men _drunk!" Bishop said sarcastically.

A few minutes later Sand polished off the last of the wine. He looked into the empty bottle and said, "It's _not. Working_."

"It's okay buddy, be right back," Bishop said. He ran to the kitchen and grabbed two more bottles of wine. Upon returning to Gwyn's room he gave one bottle to Sand and shared the second with Casavir. This didn't last long though. Sand finished his bottle very quickly. He tossed it on the rug, snatched the half-empty bottle out of Casavir's hands, and proceeded to chug it. He still seemed only slightly buzzed.

"_Damn_," Bishop said laughing. He was absolutely impressed. "Okay, back in a minute. Again." He returned carrying a bottle of wine, a bottle of rum, a small bag, and a pipe. This time he closed the door and locked it. Casavir stared at the pipe.

"Drugs?" he asked in disbelief. "You're giving him _drugs_?"

"What? I'm gonna _share_," replied the ranger.

"But . . . drugs are bad," Casavir said anxiously.

"They're _herbs_, okay? Loosen up, pally, no one's going to die because we smoked this shit," Bishop said. He gave the rum to the grateful elf, tossed the wine to Casavir, and loaded the pipe. "Aw fuck, I forgot matches." Sand rolled his eyes, took the pipe out of his hands and lit it with a flare cantrip. He took a deep, long hit, held his breath, and exhaled slowly. After another hit, he passed the pipe to Bishop and slumped against the bed with a little smile on his face.

"Much better," he said lethargically.

"I take it you've done this more than once?" Bishop asked.

"Mmm, sometimes I can't resist sampling the various herbs and spell components I deal with," replied the elf.

"Ha! I've always wondered what would happen if you got stoned," Bishop said laughing. "This should be entertaining!" He took a hit off the pipe and offered it to Casavir. The latter just shook his head and frowned at Bishop. The ranger shrugged his shoulders and handed the pipe back to Sand.

"You two are _so_ funny," Sand said giggling. This made Bishop giggle too, although his giggles became quite hysterical after the moon elf repeated his statement three times without seeming to realize what he was doing.

Still giggling, Sand said, "You two . . . are hila--hilarious. You're nothing alike, and yet you've been rutting like wild animals."

"Why would you make such a comment about our love life?" Casavir asked.

"Oh please, so far I've found you two sleeping together and bathing together. I simply did the math," Sand explained. He took the pipe back from Bishop and took another hit.

"No, that tells you we were sleeping together, not _how_ we were doing it," Casavir pointed out.

"This is true . . ." Sand replied with a slight smile on his face.

"Why are you smiling?" Casavir asked.

"I wasn't smiling!" Sand replied with a startled look on his face. He looked like a child who had been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

"Oh my gods, he _knows_. Somehow he's seen us together!" Bishop exclaimed wide-eyed.

"I have not!" Sand said, looking quite desperate.

"You're lying, Sand," Casavir said.

"_Oh-ho_! The human lie detector has spoken," Bishop said as he breathed out a cloud of smoke. "How are you going to wiggle out of that one?"

"I'm not apparently," Sand grumbled.

"Okay, so how _did_ you find out, _mage_?" Bishop asked.

"I may have . . . used a wizard's eye a couple of times," Sand said.

"That means you did use a wizard's eye to spy on us, and you did so multiple times," Casavir clarified. Little beads of sweat had formed on Sand's forehead by now.

"This is too good!" Bishop said, laughing. "Of course now you have to answer to the most important question: why?"

"I may have been a bit jealous," Sand mumbled.

"And why would that be?" Bishop asked grinning. Sand shifted uncomfortably under his gaze.

"Because I sort of wanted to, um, join you," Sand said, staring at his feet.

"_Wow_, what a surprise," Bishop said sarcastically. Sand had made the same comment to him when he and Casavir had first slept together. He was delighted to be able to throw the comment back in his face.

"You're so funny," Sand said, rolling his eyes. "Sure, pick on the androgynous elf." He snatched the pipe from Bishop's hands and took a huge hit.

"Whoa, take it easy guy!" said the ranger. "And really, there's no need to be jealous," he whispered the last sentence into the elf's ear, after which he licked it all the way up to the tip.

Sand couldn't stand it any longer. Between the drugs and the alcohol, he had barely been keeping his sexual frustration in check. Having his sensitive ear licked was the last straw. He grabbed Bishop's face in his hands and kissed him fiercely.

Casavir froze when he saw this. He wasn't sure what to do at first since he felt conflicted over his lover kissing another man, but then he felt the familiar pulling of the love elixir. He realized not only did he have feelings for Bishop; he also had feelings for Sand. He watched the two groping at each other and felt himself become aroused. He took a deep drink from the wine bottle and joined the two.

Casavir kissed Sand's ear as Bishop continued to do the same to the other one. Sand shuddered and whimpered. Casavir moved on to his neck and kissed it all the way down to the collar bone, after which he unbuttoned the mage's robes. Casavir slid them down over his shoulders as Bishop bit the elf's neck. The latter cried out in pain and delight.

Casavir unlaced Sand's pants next and slid them down to reveal his large erection. Casavir took it into his mouth as Bishop continued to leave bite marks all over his victim. Sand grabbed the back of the paladin's head and thrust himself into his throat, crying out the whole time.

When he came, Bishop moved Sand to the bed. The latter laid there on his back with his rear at the edge of the mattress. Bishop put the elf's feet on his shoulders and positioned himself to enter him. Sand stopped him.

"There's a bottle of oil under Gwynyth's bed," he said. Comprehension dawning on him, Bishop retrieved the bottle and applied some of its contents to his swollen member. He gasped.

"Oh gods, it's getting all warm," he said.

"That's because it's supposed to," laughed the moon elf. Bishop entered Sand and the latter moaned. As the two of them thrust against each other, Casavir took Sand's erection into his mouth again. The little elf blurted out a string of elvish words and cried out in ecstasy.

"That's _dirty_," Bishop told Sand chuckled. "Don't worry little elf, we'll do that next."

* * *

Two hours later, three very spent and relaxed men lay on Gwynyth's bed drinking and getting high. Casavir asked Sand why it took him so long to make his feelings known, and why they had practically had to interrogate him to get his confession. Despite being incredibly loopy, Sand managed to give a fairly intelligible answer.

"The night we had that drug-induced orgy, Casavir nailed Gwynyth first. When those two were done, Gwyn went down on me while Bishop took her. When he was done with her, she jumped on me." Sand laughed. "I remember we had a little battle over who would be on top. When we had finished _battling_," Sand had to stop to laugh again. Apparently he thought this was funnier than it really was. "When we had finished, we were both tired and went into reverie. Reverie was really crazy that night . . . but at any rate I never had a chance to do anything with either of you."

"And then we tried to pretend the love elixir had never happened," Bishop supplied the next part of the story.

"Yes, that ended _splendidly_," Casavir said.

"Well, moving on, when we decided to stop fighting the love elixir, at least as far as Gwy-Gwynyth went, Bishop was still in denial about how he felt over being attracted to a male. I'd considered propositioning Casavir, but I thought it would upset the delicate situation between him and the ranger," Sand explained. He rolled to his side and took another hit off the pipe.

"_Good call_. If you hadn't kept away from him, I would have been jealous on top of conflicted, and then I would have been even more conflicted over being jealous! I probably would have drunk myself to death!" Bishop said.

"Thought so," Sand said. "The other thing was that Gwynyth kept me very occupied. That girl is insatiable, and she was very eager to learn all I had to teach her about sex magic."

"Glad I got you fucked up, I'm learning all sorts of interesting things about you," Bishop laughed.

"You don't know the _half_ of it, boy," Sand said.

"Wait, what about when Bishop and I were finally together? Why didn't you approach us then?" Casavir asked.

"I felt jealous when I found you had slept together. Felt . . . left out I guess," explained the stoned elf.

"So you chose to piss us off by day and watch us at night while you jacked off," Bishop said.

"Oh please, as if you and I have always handled jealousy well," Casavir said.

"Gwyn doesn't always handle jealousy well either," Sand said. He told them all about her vengeance against Torio, although this particular version of the story contained a lot of slurring. Sometimes it reverted to elvish.

"I knew you'd turned Torio into a statue, but I'd never heard about Gwynny getting involved," Bishop laughed.

"I miss her," Casavir said sighing.

"As do we all," said Sand. The three just held each other. No one spoke anymore, although no one had to.


	9. Chapter 9: Back in Mulsantir

All characters mentioned here are owned by Obsidian entertainment with the exception of Gwynyth.

_Meanwhile, Back in Mulsantir . . . ._

Gwynyth passed through the city gates with her latest band of misfit adventurers. The villagers were standing around gossiping about spirit eaters. She couldn't stand the way they stared at her so rudely and talked about her as if she wasn't there. She hurried through the gates and drew the hood of her cloak over her face.

Her band now consisted of Ganneyev-of-Dreams, Kaelyn the Dove, Safiya, and Okku. She had sprung Gann out of jail to help her fight the huge mob of angry spirits that had come after her. He was a hagspawn spirit shaman and was quite full of himself. Kaelyn was a half celestial cleric who was on a mission to destroy the Wall of the Faithless. Gwynyth didn't know how she felt about that particular mission, but she didn't really care at the moment. Kaelyn was a really good cleric, and quite pleasant to have in the group. Of course, that meant she didn't bicker with the other party members.

Okku was by far the strangest companion she had ever had. Not only was he a talking bear, he was a spirit god. He was also quite colorful. Gwynyth was glad to have such a dangerous foe as an ally rather than as an enemy. It had been difficult to resist eating his spirit when she had subdued him in battle, but she was glad she had. She refused to consume any spirit unless she had no choice.

Gwyn walked up the hill in Mulsantir to the Temple of the Three. Her stomach felt horrible. She wanted to get the meeting with the witches over with so she could go back to the tavern and lay down.

The witches yammered on and on about her spirit eating curse as if she didn't realize how horrible it was. The witch Kazimika Vadoi was the worst. She was an absolute bitch and was clearly on her courses on a permanent basis. Every time she spoke, Gwyn felt more and more sick.

Sheva Whitefeather told her there was no known cure for the curse. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. Gwyn fell to her hands and knees and emptied the contents of her stomach. When she opened her eyes, she realized she had vomited right on Kazimika's shoes. Despite the nausea, she had to smile as Kazimika screamed and cursed.

"So I was able to get you with child without even sleeping with you?" Gann said grinning. "I must be better than I thought."

"Shut up jackass, or I'll decorate _your_ shoes next," Gwyn said. The hagspawn threw back his head and laughed.

After hearing that the Wood Man may have information about her curse, Gwyn felt a little better knowing she had a direction to go in at least. She walked back toward the tavern, although she decided to take a detour to check on the actors at the theater. Sheva had held them prisoner until she had dealt with Okku, claiming it was for their own protection. Gwynyth was angered that people who had nothing to do with her curse had been held against their wills to force her to do something. She would have done it anyway if they had simply asked her nicely.

The actors were all fine, and Magda gave her a key with which to open a locked door in the shadow theater. Apparently Lienna (an associate of Safiya's mother) had wanted her to have it. Gwyn said she wanted to get some rest before she explored the shadow theater again and was quite pleased when Magda offered to let her stay there along with her fellow adventurers. That sounded much better than sleeping on a filthy, lumpy mattress in a tavern full of noisy drunks.

They went back to the Sloop to get some dinner and gather up their belongings. Gwyn sat down at the counter on a wobbly stool and the bartender came to take her order. She refused ale because the thought of it made her want to be sick again. _Of course, that wouldn't make this place smell much worse than it already does,_ she thought. She ordered water, which caused the bar tender to mutter something about finicky mages. When she heard they were serving oyster stew that night something strange happened. Usually the thought of eating slimy oysters made her stomach churn, but this time she actually craved the stew.

She ate three bowls of oyster stew. When she was finished, she stared at her empty bowl and said, "That settles it. I'm pregnant." Immediately Kaelyn and Safiya showered her with the usual questions one would ask a pregnant woman: how did she know she was pregnant; how was she feeling; how far along was she; who was the father and where was he?

Gwyn's answer was, "Because I usually hate oysters and now I crave them, I'm feeling okay now that I'm full, I don't know and I don't know."

Gann had a slightly puzzled look on his face for a moment after she finished her answer. "So, you don't know who the father is?" he asked.

"No . . . I really don't want to talk about that right now though," she said.

Gann just smiled and nodded to himself. Perhaps she was a woman of loose moral values? If so, his chances of bedding her were high.

* * *

The next day Gwyn woke up in a nice bed at the theater. This was an improvement over the last few mornings when she had woken up either on the ground or on a filthy mattress. Despite the improvement, her morning sickness was still rearing its ugly head. As usual, she lay in bed feeling dizzy, weak, clammy and nauseous. She knew the moment she lifted her head from the pillow it would get worse.

She sat up slowly and immediately tasted bile. She leaned over the bed and threw up in the bucket she had left on the floor the night before.

"Well, that was a pleasant sound to wake up to," Gann said from his bunk across the room. Gwyn flipped him off as she finished retching. She got out of bed and got ready for the day, although she had to stop a couple times to throw up again.

Today Gwynyth's goal was to explore the locked room in the shadow theater, which was one of the reasons she had elected to spend the night in the theater. When everyone was ready, they had only to step through the portal in Lienna's room to get to the shadow theater.

After unlocking the door in question in the shadow theater, the group walked into a room filled with portals. None of the portals were active. Okku said he smelled blood, and there was a trail of it leading to one of the portals.

There was a golem standing in the room, although it wasn't working. Gwynyth removed its heart, molded it with a spirit essence, and put the heart back into the golem. Once reanimated, the construct told her there were visitors waiting at one of the portals.

The visitors turned out to be gargoyles. They recognized her, although she did not recognize them. They were the ones who had brought her unconscious, wounded self here from the Vale of Meredelein. She asked them who had survived the collapse of the vale.

"The dwarf was alive when we were there. He chased after me, and I led him away leaving you exposed. The others with me were free to take you through the portal," explained one of the gargoyles.

"Were there others who lived?" asked Gwyn.

"The dark one followed after you and was captured by the woman in red. By now he is either dead or wears a different face."

"What about Casavir, the paladin?" Gwyn asked. "He was . . . dear to me."

"I did not see the paladin amongst the living, nor did I see him among the dead."

"What about Sand, the elven mage? He was . . . also dear to me."

"I saw a smear of blood and bone in tattered rags on the floor. It radiated the remnants of magical energy. I could not tell what this individual looked like, too crushed was the body." Gwyn hoped to Mystra he was describing Qara rather than Sand. She had a feeling it very well could be Qara, since she, Casavir, Sand and Bishop had positively beat the hells out of her after she sided with the King of Shadows. She smiled a bit as she remembered what had happened.

Qara had walked over to stand next to Garius. "I am sick and tired of people telling me what to do! And I will have my revenge against you four!" she said as she pointed at Sand, Bishop, Gwyn and Casavir.

"Revenge for what, you little whore? You were the one who gave us a love elixir spiked with drugs and alcohol!" Gwyn exclaimed.

"I want revenge for the elf and the ranger turning me into a naked statue!" Qara shouted.

"Uh, that was their revenge against you for giving us the love elixir," Gwyn said.

"Yeah, and I want revenge for it! And I want revenge for being used as arrow bait, and for being used as a human shield!"

"Okay, let me get this straight. You want revenge against us for having our revenge against you for what you did to us."

Qara looked a little confused, but she said, "Yeah! What you said!"

"Okay, just for making me say that, I am going to _enjoy_ killing you," Gwynyth said. She and Sand unleashed a torrent of spells on the sorceress as Casavir pummeled him with his war hammer. Bishop joined in with his swords, wanting to exact his revenge up close and personal. Blood and little Qara bits flew everywhere. He and Casavir hacked and slashed at her until Sand ended the fight with a Disintegrate spell. When it was done, Qara was nothing but a pile of ash sitting in a puddle of blood and gore.

Gwynyth shook her head and brought her attention back to the present. "What about Bishop?" she asked the gargoyles. "He was dear to me as well." The gargoyles shook their heads, and one of them rolled his eyes at the polyamorous mage.

"I did not see him alive or dead. As for any other survivors, I saw no one else either alive or dead. There may have been more in the rubble, but I do not know for sure," said the gargoyle.

"Then tell me why I was brought here," said the half elf.

"This I do not know. We were commanded to bring you here, and we obeyed," explained one of the gargoyles. "Once here, the Sword of Gith was taken from your hand, and the shard from your chest. Then we were told to take you to the Cavern of Runes, which is where we left you."

"What was in the cavern when I was brought there?" Gwyn inquired.

"There was a presence. It was ancient, and it hungered. It reached out for us, but then left us alone. It wanted you."

"Why did Lienna and the woman in red do this to me?"

"That I do no know, for we were merely their thralls. I do know who planted the seeds of this idea in their minds: the Slumbering Coven."

"Those hags are involved?" Gann asked. "I have often dreamt of a city under water. I would like to go with you Coveya Kurg'annis to see this coven."

"Sure, knock yourself out," Gwyn told him. "Well, thanks for the info," she said to the gargoyles. "And for, uh, kidnapping me. I'm going to go now."

"Wait! Lienna, where is she? We owe her a debt of pain for what she has done to us. We wish to take her masks and shatter them all!"

"Yeah, Lienna is a pile of ash right now. Doesn't matter though, because we agreed that I would let you leave in peace if you answered my questions."

"No! We shall take our rage out on you!" said the talkative gargoyle.

"No, you shall not, because I'm a pregnant spirit eating _mage,_ and I am absolutely _full_ of hormones! Do _not_ piss me off you little bitches, because I have no qualms over devouring your pathetic souls!" The gargoyles shrank away from her.

"Yeah . . . we'll leave now," said the gargoyle. "Good luck finding out about the curse thing." The gargoyles practically fell over each other in their haste to get through the portal and away from Gwynyth. The latter walked out of the room and through the portal to Lienna's room. Her party members were walking on eggshells around her for the next few hours, with the exception of Gann. The latter thought her outburst was entertaining and looked forward to more fireworks in the future. He vowed to visit her dreams that night. It didn't matter if she was angry with him for it. In fact, that would be preferable.


	10. Chapter 10: Divination and Riding Crops

Divination and Riding Crops

Sand watched the scene that appeared in Gwynyth's mirror. He could see Gwynyth walking with a group of people in a snowy forest.

"Stupid Rashemi witches," Gwyn complained. "Do they think I don't understand how horrible it is to be like this?" _Like what, my dear?_ Sand thought.

"I don't exactly get treated any better as a red wizard," Safiya told her. Sand noticed she was no longer wearing red. She now wore black robes with a hood pulled over her bald head. _Alright, so they're certainly not in Thay, and they're in a place that's hostile toward red wizards,_ Sand thought.

"Nor I, being a hagspawn," Gann said. _Who is that?_ Sand wondered. _She has a hagspawn in her group now? That girl seems to be a magnet for the weirdest adventurers I've ever heard of. Still, a hagspawn means they're most likely in Rashemen._

"Thank the gods Okku is on our side," Gwyn said. "They can't exactly go against the wishes of their own bear god."

"Well the witch Kazimika tried to, but I didn't have to admonish her after you regurgitated on her shoes," Okku said chuckling. _She has a bear god in her party? I take that back, the hagspawn is no longer one of the weirdest adventurers I've ever heard of._

The spell faded away and Sand left Gwynyth's room to look for the others. He figured since it was evening, Neeshka and Khelgar were at the tavern. He looked around the keep for Casavir and Bishop. They weren't in the dining room or the kitchen. They weren't in the bathing room, although Sand wished they were. He wanted a bath, and taking one with Casavir and Bishop sounded great.

They weren't in Casavir's room, but he heard voices coming from behind Bishop's door. The door was locked, but he fixed that problem with a Knock spell, opened the door and walked right in.

"I found Gwyn—oh, am I interrupting something?" Casavir laid face-first on the bed, hand-cuffed to the head board. Bishop stood over him with a riding crop in his hand, and Casavir's back and rear were covered with angry red marks.

"You think!?" Bishop asked. "Close the damn door, I am _not_ letting you leave it open this time!" Sand closed the door behind him.

"Is this, er, consensual?" Sand asked.

"Oh yeah, believe it or not he loves this," Bishop said referring to Casavir. "Watch." He lifted the riding crop and gave the paladin a good, hard smack right on his ass.

"_More!_" Casavir said in desperation. "_Please_, I beg you, give me more!"

"I never thought he would be into that sort of thing," Sand said. "But then I've found that some of the most innocent people are into some very dirty things. Anyway," he said as Bishop continued to whip Casavir, "I found Gwynyth again!"

"You did!?" Bishop said, dropping the crop.

"Where is she?" Casavir croaked.

"I believe she's in Rashemen," Sand said, explaining what he saw and heard when he scried for Gwyn. "Oh and get this, she vomited on a Rashemi witch's shoes!" Sand added laughing.

"Ha! Well the pregnancy thing sounds even more likely now. But how in the hells are we going to get to Rashemen?" Bishop asked.

"Is she safe?" Casavir asked.

"She has a new band of misfit adventurers on her side and at least two of them are quite dangerous toward their foes. One is the red wizard I had mentioned previously, and the other is a huge, colorful spirit bear named Okku. There's also a hagspawn in the group, although I don't know what his abilities are," Sand explained.

"Good, I'm glad she has allies," Casavir said.

"Hagspawn?" Bishop asked.

"That means he's half hag, half human. The mother would have been the hag," Sand told him.

"Wow. I'd say she's good at attracting weird people to her side, but what do I know? I'm a formerly evil ranger with a bunny companion," Bishop said.

"Hello?" Casavir said. "Why did you stop? More! _Please!_"

"Oh, sorry about that," Sand said. He picked up the riding crop and smacked Casavir. "But as I was about to say, I believe the Tome of Iltkazar could get us there via a portal."

"Should we go now, or try and get a more exact location?" Bishop inquired.

"We should get more information first," Casavir said, trying to turn his head to see Sand and Bishop.

"Agreed, I'd prefer to get a more exact location first, if we can. I'll continue to scry."

"Great, more hawks are going to die," Bishop said. Casavir screamed again as Sand whipped him. "You'd better order more of those eyes, there are only so many hawks and eagles around here and I don't want to deplete the population."

"I've already ordered some," Sand said as he cracked the riding crop over Casavir's ass again.

"Good," Bishop said as Casavir shrieked.

"I suppose it doesn't matter that we have to wait," Sand said as he thwacked Casavir's back. "We need to plan this out so we don't go charging into Rashemen blindly. I've heard the Rashemi aren't too tolerant of outsiders."

"You already know more than I do," Bishop said as Casavir moaned and begged for more abuse. "I suppose this means we all get to do a lot of reading."

"Yes it does, if the library has the books we need," Sand replied as he slapped the crop against the back of Casavir's thighs.

"Well I'm normally not a big fan of reading, but if it gets Gwynny back I'll do it," Bishop said over the paladin's screams.

"Good. I'll send some books along if I find any of relevance," Sand said. "I'll scry again tomorrow. Hopefully Gwyn is still in a good location to be scried. Well, I'll leave you two to your torture since I have to inform Neeshka and Khelgar of my findings. Hopefully they're sober enough to understand me. I may just join you two later when I'm done," he said, winking.

"Sure thing," Bishop said grinning as he took the riding crop out of Sand's hands. "Maybe we'll torture you next."

* * *

Gann walked through Gwynyth's dream and came across one of the most interesting scenes he'd ever encountered. He saw Gwynyth in bed with not just one man, but three. They all took turns making love to her. It was very clear they all loved her, and she returned their love.

Gann woke up disgruntled. He had thought Gwynyth just slept around with random men, which meant his chances of nailing her were great. He certainly wasn't expected her to be in a relationship with three men at the same time, let alone bedding them simultaneously. He sighed. It certainly seemed unlikely he could be with Gwynyth now. After all, a love triangle was already considered by most to be doomed for failure, but a love square? Furthermore (assuming she allowed it to happen) his being a part of their relationship would turn said relationship into a love pentagon, if such a thing even existed.

On the journey through the Ashenwood, Gann was very distant and grumpy. When Gwynyth confronted him, he said, "Okay, I'll just come out with it: how did you end up with three boyfriends at the same time?"

"How would you know I had them at the same time?" Gwyn asked.

"Your dreams," he said sighing.

"So you just waltzed right into my mind without asking permission?"

"Yes."

"I'll answer your question. I was originally in an exclusive relationship with Sand, the moon elf. One night, he and I were sitting in a tavern drinking ale with our friends Casavir and Bishop (those are the other two you saw in my dream). The night before that, the sorceress in our band came onto Bishop, but he shut her down because she was only sixteen and could quite possibly set him on fire. The night we were drinking, Qara brought Bishop a pitcher of ale. We all drank from that pitcher and got really drunk and high. We ended up having an orgy that night. The next day Qara was confronted and we learned she had tried to force Bishop to sleep with her by dosing his ale with a love elixir. She made it herself, substituting some ingredients for others, and spiking it with liquor as well as hallucinogenic herbs. I doubt she planned on Bishop sharing his pitcher of ale with the rest of us since he didn't exactly have a reputation for sharing anything with anyone. He did though. Long story short, we can't dispel the elixir, and are hopelessly in love with each other for the rest of our lives."

"That's the most bizarre thing I've ever heard of," Gann said.

"So says the hagspawn spirit shaman who was raised by spirit animals. Now, there's still the matter of your intrusion into my dreams. Some would call that mind rape. _I_ certainly would. I have absolutely zero patience for this crap right now since I'm stuck in Rashemen as a pregnant spirit eater. So if I were you, I'd start running, although I doubt it'll do you much good!"

Gann ran, and she struck him down with Bigby's Clenched Fist. When he was black and more blue than usual, she told him to get his ass up and help with the quest. She said he'd experience more of her wrath if she found out he'd been in her dreams again.


	11. Chapter 11: Coveya Kur'gannis

I don't own any of the characters except for Gwynyth. The former are owned by Obsidian Entertainment.

In keeping with the theme of this little story of mine, this chapter is devoted to illustrating a point I'd like to make about pregnant Knight Captains. Hope you enjoy.

_Coveya Kur'gannis_

Gwyn and her team slogged through the recently-drained Skein at Coveya Kur'gannis. During their entire stay there, they had been plagued by the voice of an insane, cackling woman on top of the disgusting stench of the Skein's stagnant waters and rotting bodies. Gwyn had been battling her nausea the entire time and couldn't wait to get out of there.

They finally came across Gulk'aush's lair and went in to confront her. Gwynyth was hoping to try talking to the hag, but her hopes were dashed when Gulk'aush screamed and attacked. The spell casters slapped on extra spell protections as Okku charged at their enemy.

Gwynyth chanted the spell for Meteor Swarm, but was interrupted by an overwhelming urge to throw up. After she had finished doing so, she began chanting the words to a different spell. She figured she was likely done being sick, but she was _very wrong._ Her second spell was interrupted when she heaved a second time. Worried about how this was affecting the battle, she looked up to see that her friends were barely holding their own against the hag.

After Gwyn threw up a fifth time, Gulk'aush stopped the battle. Addressing Gwynyth, she said, "Oh dear, are you with child?"

"Yeah," Gwyn said as she swayed.

"Well shoot. I had this whole, elaborate attack planned. I was going to make you kick my ass until almost all my hit points were gone, and then possess your bald friend over there," she said pointing to Safiya. "After you had beaten up on her for awhile, I was going to unpossess her and make you fight me a third time," Gulk'aush said sighing. "I can see this really isn't a good time for you, though. Poor dear."

"Yeah, you can say—_blargh_—you can say that," Gwyn mumbled.

"How about this, I'll just cut straight to the speech I had planned to make at the end of the fight," the hag said.

"Go for it. The sooner I get out of here, the better I'll feel," Gwynyth replied weakly.

"Okay then, let's begin," Gulk'aush said. She cleared her throat. "Enough! This blood you have spilt has loosened insanity's grip on me for now." _Never mind that she's barely scratched,_ Gwynyth thought. "I do not wish to die, though it would bring an end to the punishment I've endured for my crimes, my _crimes!_" She threw her head back and laughed madly.

"What were your crimes?" Gwyn mumbled unenthusiastically.

"I violated the sisterhood, broke the sacred laws of Kurg'annis. I took a man as my lover and I_ loved _him. Oh how I loved him." Gulk'aush sounded like she was on the verge of tears. "I kept this love hidden, told my sisters I was just toying with him--just toying a little longer. But I let him escape and fooled my sisters with the desiccated corpse of some other man. They remained ignorant of my terrible crime until I birthed the product of our love. Then they found my beloved and made me devour him alive in front of his son! Even as they forced chucks of his flesh down my throat, he smiled at me, at our child. So beautiful like his father, was my son Gannayev."

"You. You are my _mother_," Gann said, his voice positively shaking.

"So . . . my son has returned, and he has brought violence against me. Will you murder your mother? Is this the homecoming you have sought?"

"You abandoned me! Cast me to the wilds of Rashemen!" Gann said menacingly.

"'Abandoned'" implies I had a choice in the matter, my child. I had but _one _choice, and it was to love your father."

"What does a hag such as you know of love?" Gann asked.

"More than you think, child. Have you not drifted from creature to creature, spirit to spirit, finding no dream that has touched you? Or, have you done so at last with this one you follow? And perhaps . . . not yet realized it?" asked Gulk'aush. Gwynyth turned toward Gann looking extremely perplexed. "You _know _what I speak of is true, Gannayev, Gann-of-Dreams, spirit of Rashemen," Gulk'aush continued. "Do not waste what little time we have together with protests and accusations."

"You speak as if your words are true, but you know nothing--of me, of my life," Gann replied, although with less passion this time.

"I_ know_ you have dreamed of this city beneath the waves, and your travels have circled this place until now . . . until the time has come to destroy it. It was ordained we speak this one last time, my dear Gann. It is the one hope that has cradled me in this prison," said the hag.

"You . . . you are a creature of _lies, spawned _from lies," Gann went on, unwilling to believe what he had been hearing.

"And you, my beautiful child, are far more terrible. To be spawned from the love of a hag--by such things are cities and nations laid to ruins. Do you wish to see the proof of my claims?"

"I think we should hear her out Gann," Gwynyth said wanly.

"All right. I admit I have my doubts, but if you do not, that is enough for me," Gann said. _Really?_ Gwyn thought. _'cause I've been such a bitch lately._

"My words you should hear," Gulk'aush continued. "There are others who deserve your hatred far more. The coven that sleeps here--they _must _be awakened. And with violence. Send the Coven to join your father, who drifts in the rivers of the dead. Show them, at last, the horrors that the love of a mother and her son can bring to their dreams." The hag paused and shook her head. "The voices echo through my mind and insanity will soon reclaim me. Take from me my eye. I will need it no longer."

_Great,_ Gwyn thought as the hag handed her the eye. _She gives me an eyeball. Stomach, please behave._

"Use it in your travels, use it against the Coven," Gulk'aush said. _Oh, it's a _magical_ eyeball_, Gwynyth thought. _Silly me._ "Now leave me," the hag went on. "The escape you seek is ahead. I do not know how much longer I can maintain my sanity. The voices in my mind are a cacophony . . ."

"Then hear my voice this last time, mother. Where I walk, you shall be with me until the end days. We shall be together again," Gann said.

"My son, my precious son. Can he--does he—dream . . . of me? My son?" Gulk'aush said as she walked away.

Gann turned to Gwynyth with a sad look on his face. "Gulk'aush is gone . . . and I feel _loss. _All that time, wastedin judging her for something she hadn't done. She did the exact opposite of what I had believed all my life, _felt_ the exact opposite. She loved me. And loved my father."

"I believe she did, yes," Gwynyth said as fast as she could. _Please get this speech over with soon Gann, I need to get out of the Skein before I puke again._

"How much of such dreams and hopes are left unsaid between others?" Gann asked. "And how many could be saved--or healed--by such knowledge? If I am ever to love, I will speak of it. This is my promise, and the first vow I've ever made. And if I am loved in return, then it shall only be the first vow of many."

_Oh boy,_ Gwyn thought. "Are you, uh, in love, Gann?"

"Can one be in love without it being reciprocated, or does that make it something else? I say it is still love. I do not know, but I shall know in time--you have already shown me one part of my world and allowed me to make peace with it . . . perhaps you will show me something else," Gann said. "My mother held too much, too long, in silence. So this is my promise, and the first vow I have ever made. I love you."

"_Really?_" Gwyn asked in complete shock. "But I've been treating you like shit ever since I found out you walked in my dreams. Don't you remember when we were in Immil Vale?"

_Gwynyth and her merry band of weirdo's stood at the entrance to Immil Vale. She had no idea what to expect in this place, but if Ashenwood was any indication (with its blighted trees and weakened Wood Man) she should likely expect the worst here as well._

"_Gann," she said as she turned toward the hagspawn. "I need you to scout out this trail so we know what it expect."_

"_What? Why me?" he asked._

"_Well you were raised in the wilds of Reshemen so I imagine you have some tracking experience," Gwyn explained._

"_Yes but Okku could . . ."_

"_Come on Gann, there is no 'I' in 'team,' now are you a team player or not?" Gwyn asked enthusiastically._

"_Well, I guess, I just don't agree that it has to be me."_

_Gwyn sighed. "Bishop would have done it. Really, that man just loved danger. He'd do just about anything."_

"_But I'm not Bishop," Gann said._

"_I _know_," Gwyn said. "I mean, Bishop had some serious balls. Best tracker I've ever seen, wasn't afraid of anything . . ."_

"_I get it! Good spirits, you're a bitch!"_

"_Less talking, more scouting," Gwyn said, magic crackling around her hands. Gann ran off down the trail. A couple minutes later he came back chased by a wyvern. _

_Gwynyth, Safiya and Gann pelted the wyvern with spells. They killed it before it could close in and poison them. _

"_I fucking hate you," Gann said to Gwyn._

"_Aw, I hate you too!" Gwyn replied in the sweetest voice she could muster. "Any more wyverns?"_

"_Yeah, a whole fuck ton of them!" Gann said angrily._

"_Good to know, I'll have to summon a lot of pets to keep them away while we kill them with spells."_

"Yes, I remember what happened in Immil Vale," Gann said. "I also remember I deserved it."

"Wow, so, I guess you're not _totally _hopeless," Gwynyth said smirking.

"Thanks," Gann said sarcastically.

"But look, Gann, I had three boyfriends before I came to Rashemen. One of them is the father of my baby, and I just . . . I just can't . . ." Gwynyth said as she burst into tears.

"Shh," Gann said. He held Gwynyth to him as she cried on his shoulder. "I don't expect you to be with me, not right now. I just had to tell you how I feel. I hope we can be friends, no matter what happens." Gann whispered into her hair.

"I'd like that," Gwyn said sniffling. "But first I have to get out of this place before I throw up again." Gann laughed. She and the rest of the party left the Skein to confront the Slumbering Coven.


	12. Chapter 12: Karma and Lost Rangers

I don't own any of the characters in this chapter except Gwynyth.

_Sand's Karma and Bishop Gets Lost_

Khelgar, Neeshka, Sand, Bishop and Casavir met in the war room of Crossroad Keep. They had decided to discuss their plans to find Gwynyth there over dinner.

"As you all know, I have been unable to find Gwynyth again," Sand said. "It has been several weeks, and I am very concerned. I'd like to propose searching for her in Rashemen. Who knows if I'll be able to find her again with my scrying spells?"

"I'm in!" Neeshka said in her high-pitched and annoyingly cheerful voice. "I haven't been out of this stuffy keep since the King of Shadows."

"Aye, I second that," said Khelgar. Casavir and Bishop didn't even have to be asked, and didn't even have to say anything. They were automatically in.

"Alright, we need to make plans then. The first thing I'd like to discuss . . ." Sand stopped when he realized Neeshka was giving him a strange look. "Is something the matter, fiendling?"

"Is that a bite mark on your neck?" she asked suspiciously.

"What?! No," Sand said, looking a little worried. Neeshka moved in for a closer look. The little moon elf tried to cover his neck with his hand, but Neeshka grabbed it and moved it away.

"Oh my gods, it _is_ a bite mark!" she said. "Who in the hells have you been sleeping with?" Sand turned crimson.

"Yeah, it's not like Gwynyth has been around to attack ye lately," Khelgar said frowning. He took a huge bite of his dinner and washed it down with some ale. Sand turned even redder.

"I bet it's that elixir!" Neeshka teased. "Are you walking the other side of the street now too Sand?" Bishop burst out laughing. After Sand had caught him in the tub a few weeks ago with Casavir and allowed half the keep to see, he was enjoying Sand's discomfort.

"By Tyr's right buttock!" Khelgar said, earning a glare of disapproval from Casavir. "Is there something in the water that's turning all the men gay around here?" Neeshka giggled.

"Well if it is in the water, I think you're safe Stumpy. You never drink water, just ale and booze," she said.

"Ah, good," Khelgar said laughing. "I guess that's what you get for drinkin' herbal tea and water all the time, eh elf? It's finally caught up with ye."

Sand was feeling very flustered and was contemplating the use of an invisibility spell when he had an idea. He smiled wickedly, turned to a very surprised Casavir and kissed him passionately. _To the hells with hiding this,_ he thought.

"Woo!" Neeshka cheered. Khelgar reacted quite differently. He moaned, clutched his stomach and ran down the hall toward the privy. It became obvious he hadn't made it when a retching sound echoed down the hallway.

"Maybe the dwarf has morning sickness too?" Bishop said.

Khelgar came back a few minutes later looking very pale and sick.

"Ha! The dwarf can't hold his ale!" Bishop laughed. "I'm going to spend a good year rubbing this one in!"

"Sure thing, bunny worshipper," Khelgar grumbled. Bishop wasn't even fazed. He just picked Muffin up off the ground and planted a kiss on the bunny's nose to show how little he thought of the dwarf's comment.

"So you _are_ walking the other side of the street!" Neeshka said to Sand.

"Technically I've always walked both sides of the streets," Sand explained. "A lot of elves do."

"Not that I'm discriminatin' but I'm havin' a hard time with the thought of you lads being together. It's putting some truly horrible images in my mind. Ye'd best let the subject drop before I'm sick again," Khelgar warned.

"Sure, blame it on us. After all, it can't possibly be the ale talking, can it light-weight?" Bishop said grinning.

"Alright children," said Casavir impatiently. "If we're done playing now, we should really get back to our plans to find _Gwynyth_." At that, everyone settled down and got back to business.

One week later . . . .

Sand, Neeshka, Bishop and Casavir stepped out of a portal and into Rashemen. Khelgar had stayed behind at Crossroad Keep to appease Kana's constant urge to give people reports. His decision to stay had nothing to do with the fact that Bishop and Sand kept flaunting their bisexual relationship just to get funny reactions out of him that often involved temporary blindness or vomiting. No, nothing at all!

The group was in a snowy, wooded area. They had still been unable to scry successfully for Gwynyth, so they had no idea how close they were to her. At least it would make them feel like they were making some progress.

Once they had all arrived, everyone automatically looked to Bishop to lead the way. The problem was, Bishop just stood there.

"Um, Bishop?" Neeshka asked. "Why aren't you moving?" Bishop avoided her gaze and stared at his feet.

"You're lost, aren't you ranger?" Sand said with a little smile on his face.

"_No_," replied said ranger.

"So why aren't you moving?" Bishop kicked at the snow but said nothing. "Well?" Sand asked.

"Well come on!" Bishop exclaimed angrily. "I've never been to Rashemen!"

"But, you can just do your tracking thing, right?" Neeshka asked. Bishop pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Look around you Neeshka," Bishop said. "We are standing in the middle of a field of completely undisturbed snow. Clearly no one has been through here in some time, so exactly how are we supposed to track anyone?" Neeshka flushed in embarrassment. "Look, all I can suggest is that we strike out in one direction and hope we find something. We can always go a different way if we find something or if Sand finds out more about Gwynny's location."

So the group did just that; they struck out in a completely random direction. They didn't find anything but snow, trees, animals and telthor spirits. Everyone was quite fascinated by the latter. Sand told everyone about what he'd read about telthor spirits to keep them amused as they trudged through the woods. It seemed to help their morale a little.

Late in the afternoon the group set up camp. Everyone pitched the tents, except for Bishop who went off to hunt. He returned later with a deer. That night they ate roast venison around the campfire, divvied up the watches, and crawled into their tents.

Bishop woke up in the middle of the night when Karnwyr whined. The wolf sent him a mental image of Muffin, and he realized the latter was no longer in the tent. Sand lay next to him under a large pile of furs still in reverie, dead to the world and therefore unable to fill Bishop in on Muffin's whereabouts.

Bishop crawled out of the tent followed by Karnwyr and began tracking his rabbit. Casavir, who was still on watch, walked over to him.

"What is wrong?" the paladin asked.

"Muffin is gone," Bishop replied.

"I will help you find him," Casavir said. Together they walked through the snow, Bishop doing the best he could to follow the rabbit tracks in the dark.

They didn't have to walk very far into the trees before they came across Muffin. The latter was playing with a small telthor animal. Bishop knelt down next to the creature and squinted at it.

"What? No way," Bishop said in disbelief. At that moment a spirit warrior walked into the clearing.

"Boo!" said the telthor warrior as he picked up the little creature. Muffin stood up on his hind legs and stared at the newcomer as the latter scolded his telthor hamster in Rashemi. Karnwyr looked suspicious of these strange, glowing creatures and the hair on the back of his shoulders stood up.

"Who are you?" Casavir asked. Bishop knocked an arrow to his bow as a chill went down his spine.

"You speak common?" asked the warrior. "I haven't heard that language much since my dajemma to the Sword Coast. Oh, forgive my rudeness. I am Minsc, and this is Boo," he said, pointing at his telthor hamster.

"I'm curious, Minsc, how did you wind up with a telthor hamster? I didn't think there were any hamsters out here in Rashemen," Bishop said. "Or at least the books I read never mentioned them."

"I found Boo during my dajemma after my he-head injury," Minsc explained. The corners of Casavir's mouth twitched upward as he glanced from Minsc to Bishop. "He has been my faithful companion ever since," Minsc said.

"A hamster?" Casavir asked incredulously.

"I know it's odd for a ranger to pick a hamster for his companion, but Boo is no ordinary hamster! He is a miniature-giant space hamster!"

"A miniature-giant space hamster?" Casavir asked, trying to keep the amusement out of his voice and maintain a serious demeanor. "Are you sure those really exist?"

"Does it _matter_?" Bishop said a tad defensively. "Hamsters are just as awesome as wolves or _bunnies._ So Minsc, it seems like Muffin and Boo like each other."

"That's right! Boo just told me that Muffin has abilities similar to his amazing hamster powers!" Minsc said.

"Okay . . . so what are Boo's 'powers' like?" asked Bishop. His voice shook as he tried not to laugh.

"You should see Boo in action some time. When he is confronted by evil, he can detect its horrible evil stench, and his whiskers just tremble with rage. Why, he even leapt on a villain's face once and went straight for his eyes! Although no one was around to see it, and strangely no one believed me when I told them." Bishop pretended to cough in an attempt to cover his laughter.

"Hey Cas," he said, his voice still shaking. "Can hamsters be paladins? I'm just wondering about his detect evil abilities here." Casavir just gave him a look.

"That's a good question!" Minsc said. "But Boo says the answer is 'no,' hamsters can't be paladins. He says it doesn't matter though, because he doesn't need to be a paladin to administer hamster justice!" Casavir smiled as Bishop continued to have his coughing fits.

"Minsc," said Casavir, desperately trying to change the subject before he laughed. "We are on a quest to find our lady, the Knight Captain Gwynyth Farlong. We've never been to Rashemen and we have no idea where she might be. Even our tracker lost," he said as he smiled and put his hand on Bishop's shoulder. Bishop glared at him, but then went back to coughing. He still couldn't get the thought of hamster paladins out of his head.

"There was a group of adventurers who came through here perhaps a month ago," Minsc said. "What does this Knight Captain look like?"

"She's a half-elf mage with red hair and blue eyes. She is quite beautiful. She's traveling with a rather strange group consisting of a red wizard in black robes, a hagspawn, and a bear spirit named Okku."

"I remember now!" Minsc said cheerfully in his thick Rashemi accent. "She and her group came through here a month ago, like I said. They cured the forest of its blight and healed the Wood Man. I was shocked, since usually spirit eaters come to feed on the Wood Man's spirit, not heal it. And usually they're not accompanied by bear gods."

"Spirit eater?" Casavir asked. "What is that?"

"A spirit eater is one who has been cursed and must feed on spirits to survive. They don't last long, because the curse consumes them in the end." Bishop stopped coughing as his urge to laugh died.

"She's _cursed?!_" Bishop exclaimed.

"Yes," Minsc said sadly. "It's too bad really. She's such a nice little girl for healing the forest."

"Do you remember where she went?" Casavir asked anxiously.

"I believe she left for the Lake of Tears Garrison," Minsc answered.

"Can you tell us how to get there?" Bishop asked. He was quite upset that he felt so lost in Rashemen. "I will take you there!" Minsc said as Boo squeaked.

"Thank you," said Casavir. "We shall be leaving in the morning after our group is rested."

"Great!" Minsc said. "I shall meet you in the morning then. And don't worry about setting watches. The spirits of the forest will protect you."

"Thank you Minsc, we are grateful," Casavir said. He, Bishop, Karnwyr and Muffin returned to their camp. Minsc disappeared into the forest with Boo.

"Sand and Neesh are never going to believe this," Bishop said as they walked through the snow.

"I never believed I'd see _you_ turn good, feed cookies to children or save my life, but I did," Casavir said teasingly.

"I guess that's true. To be fair though, I never thought you'd slam me into a wall and turn into a bisexual paladin," Bishop said.

"Touché," replied the smiling paladin as he held the ranger's hand.


	13. Chapter 13: To the Garrison

I don't own any of the characters in this story except for Gwynyth.

~Ah, the days when I had hours of fun playing BG2 with a whole bunch of romance mods installed at the same time. This story brings back memories. *wipes a tear from her eye*

_To the Garrison (sort of)  
_

Very early in the morning, before dawn, Sand woke up with Casavir and Bishop sleeping on either side of him. This was strange. He thought Bishop was supposed to be on watch right now.

"Bishop," Sand said, shaking the ranger. "Aren't you supposed to be on watch?"

"Huh?" Bishop asked, barely awake. "Spirits are on watch, go back to sleep."

"Have you been smoking your herbs again? What in the hells are you talking about boy?"

"Met a spirit ranger last night . . . said the spirits would watch us. Go back to sleep, damn it."

"That's not an answer you brain-addled ranger! Now get up for your watch!"

"Karnwyr," Bishop said before going back to sleep. Karnwyr stood up from his spot next to Bishop and snarled in the elf's face. Sand dove under his furs and stopped talking.

"What is going on?" asked a sleepy Casavir.

"The stupid ranger won't get up for his watch, and he made his wolf threaten me!" Sand sounded almost like a child tattling on someone.

"He doesn't need to get up for his watch. We met a spirit ranger last night who said the spirits of the forest would protect us."

"How in the hells did Bishop convince _you_ to try his drugs?" Sand asked.

"He didn't, I'm telling the truth," Casavir insisted as he pulled the elf to him. He ran his fingers through Sand's hair and kissed his forehead. "The spirit's name is Minsc, and he says he saw Gwynyth pass through this forest a month ago. Today he's going to take us to the garrison she went to."

"You're serious? He described Gwynyth, described the party she was with?"

"Yes. He said she healed the forest and then went to the Lake of Tears Garrison. Unfortunately, he also said she's . . . cursed."

"What?!" Sand exclaimed. Karnwyr growled at him again, and he inched away from the wolf, moving as close as possible to Casavir. "Cursed?" Sand whispered.

"Yes. Minsc says she's a spirit eater. She must consume spirits or she'll die."

"So, as long as she doesn't stop eating spirits she'll be alright?"

"No," Casavir said sadly. "The curse will consume her in the end. She doesn't have long to live."

"Oh gods . . . _oh gods no!_" Sand cried. He clung to the paladin as he wept.

"Shh, she's not dead Sand, and there could be a cure. Don't lose hope yet," Casavir whispered. Sand still cried. Casavir held him closer, whispering soothing words. Bishop woke up at the sound of crying and embraced Sand from behind him.

"Don't bury her before she's dead, little elf," Bishop mumbled sleepily. "Karnwyr and Muffin wouldn't like that." Sand smiled a little as his lovers kissed him everywhere. Soon Bishop and Casavir were doing other things to cheer him up.

Bishop slid his hand into Sand's breeches and grabbed his manhood. He bit the elf's ear and Sand moaned as he felt Bishop grinding against him from behind. The layers of cloth between them made Sand feel miles away from the ranger, and he ached to feel him closer.

Casavir busied himself with undressing the elf. He didn't have to worry about Sand's elaborate mage robes this time since the latter was wearing breeches and a tunic. He didn't want to attract the attention of any Wychlaran they came across.

Casavir divested Sand of his clothing quickly and efficiently. After he pulled off Sand's pants, Bishop pulled the elf around to face him. He positioned himself so his head was at Sand's shaft, and Sand's head was at his. The two shuddered and writhed as they swallowed each other.

Casavir brought a bottle of oil out of his pack and applied some of its contents to his swollen member. He lay down next to Sand and entered him from behind. Sand tried to moan, but it was muffled when Bishop pushed himself into his throat. Casavir was the only one who could moan, and he did quite a bit of that as he thrust himself deep into the moon elf. The latter clutched desperately at Bishop's ass and dug his nails into the firm flesh. This elicited a muffled groan from the ranger as he sucked harder at the elf's manhood.

A little while later . . .

Neeshka crawled out of her tent to relieve herself behind some bushes. On her way there, she walked past the tent the boys shared. It was moving around like a pack of hyperactive weasels was trapped inside.

"Damn sluts," she said as she resumed her trip toward the bushes. As she stepped behind the bushes, she heard the voice of a sarcastic elf calling out to her.

"I heard that, girl!"

* * *

"Where goes the stench of evil, so goes the cleansing wind of Minsc and Boo!" Everyone in camp woke up to this proclamation as the sky lightened in the east. They all climbed out of the tents to stare bleary-eyed at the spirit warrior standing in the middle of their camp.

"Morning Minsc," Bishop said as he yawned.

"Good morning, Minsc," said Casavir. "Thank you for sending the spirits of the forest to protect us last night."

"Don't mention it. They are always happy to protect defenders of goodness!" Minsc said as he pet Boo.

"Uh, who's the glowing guy that everyone seems to know but me?" Neeshka asked. Bishop took her aside and filled her in on the events of the night before. Casavir began his morning devotions, and Sand (after introducing himself to Minsc) pulled a large mirror out of his bag of holding so he could scry.

As usual, Sand was unable to find Gwynyth. Damn that girl, was she wearing lead clothing or something? He sighed and put the mirror back in his bag of holding. As he stored the latter in his pack, his hand brushed against something.

"Bishop!" Sand called. Bishop excused himself from Neeshka and walked over to the mage.

"Something you need?" he asked.

"I don't need anything, thank you. You seem to need something though," said Sand. He gave Bishop a brand new bag of holding.

"What's this for?" Bishop asked.

"Don't be daft, boy. With your own bag of holding, you'll never have to 'borrow' mine again, and I'll never have to worry about my spell reagents getting covered in rabbit fur," Sand explained, rolling his eyes.

"Whoa . . . thanks. I can't believe you did that," said the stunned ranger.

"I can. Really, I can't afford to lose my bag of holding on this trip," Sand told him. "I'm keeping a scrying mirror in it and it's rather large. I can't allow it to be broken."

"No, I mean this must have cost you a fortune," Bishop said.

"You do realize money is hardly an object for any of us after our adventures with Gwynyth?" Sand pointed out.

"Yeah . . . but I guess I'm just not used to getting gifts like this. Thanks," said the ranger. He leaned down and gave the short little elf a deep kiss. Casavir, having returned from his devotions, joined the two in their embrace.

Minsc and Neeshka watched the three as they kissed each other. "Ah, this brings back memories," Minsc said.

"You've actually seen three guys kissing each other _before_ now?" Neeshka asked.

"Well, not three guys, no. But I traveled with a Bhaalspawn named Morrigan during my dajemma," Minsc explained. "She had three lovers, Solaufein, Edwin and Viconia. Although strangely none of her lovers seemed to be aware that the others were seeing her as well . . . even when she was kissing them all at the same time. It didn't seem to matter though. They were all happy, when they weren't being turned into vampires or being attacked by evil mages."

"Whoa!" Neeshka said. "How in the hells did that happen? And what's a Bhaalspawn?"

"Morrigan was the daughter of the dead god of murder, Bhaal. During the Time of Troubles, all the gods were forced into the forms of mortals and had to live on Toril. Bhaal found out he was going to die, so he got a whole bunch of women of all races with child. That was supposed to fuel his rebirth when they died. Morrigan was one of the children," Minsc explained.

"Huh. I don't feel so bad about being part demon, now," said Neeshka wryly.

"Well you shouldn't feel bad; you're a very nice demon girl!" Minsc said.

"Thanks! I don't hear that much."

"Anyway, we first met Edwin the Red Wizard in Nashkel close to Baldur's gate. He had been sent on a mission to assassinate my witch, Dynaheir. So Morrigan and I killed him."

"Wait, that isn't romantic! How did he become her lover if he was dead?"

"We met him again later in Athkatla. Someone had apparently resurrected him. Morrigan let him join the group then to help us with a quest, although I was very angry about that! But those two ended up as lovers in the end, and eventually he became a good Red Wizard, which was a _total_ shock to everyone."

"Oh tell me about it," Neeshka said giggling. "The ranger in our group used to be evil until our paladin smashed his head into a wall. Now he rescues bunnies, gives people random hugs, and he's looking forward to being a daddy."

"Bishop? Yes, I like him. I am glad he is a good ranger now, otherwise Boo would have probably chewed his eyes out."

"_Okay_ . . . well, what about the other two lovers Morrigan had?"

"We met Viconia the drow in the Baldur's Gate area near Peldvale. She was fleeing from a Flaming Fist mercenary who had accused her of murder. He was going to kill her, but Morrigan saw he had no proof of what he claimed and accused _him_ of being racist. So we killed him when he attacked us and Morrigan let Viconia travel with us after that. She wouldn't have been safe otherwise. Eventually after we rescued her again in Athkatla, she became Morrigan's lover as well."

"Viconia was a she? And a drow? _And_ she was with Morrigan? I thought I'd heard everything after those guys over there, but apparently not."

"It gets even stranger, little girl! We met the third lover, Solaufein, in the Underdark. He was also a drow! Only he was a good drow who worshiped Eilistraee. He was very nice, although he tended to brood a bit too much."

"Damn so she had a Red Wizard boyfriend, a drow girlfriend, and a drow boyfriend. It must have been really weird to be around them," Neeshka said in amazement.

"It was, but I didn't care. Morrigan was a force for good. She prevented Bhaal's return and did many other good deeds. That's why I wanted to help you find your Knight Captain. She reminds me a lot of Morrigan," Minsc said.

"Speaking of Gwynyth . . . come on boys, if you're done sucking face, let's go to the garrison sometime this decade! I think you guys had enough fun last night keeping me awake with all your moaning!" Neeshka shouted at the love-struck boys. Reluctantly they broke up their embrace and struck camp, although Bishop couldn't resist throwing a snowball at the tiefling later when her back was turned. She squealed as it landed right on her ass!


	14. Chapter 14: Lying Liars

All the characters mentioned in this story are owned by Obsidian Entertainment and not me. Lots of swearing in this one so be warned. No smut though, just brief discussions of smut.

_Lying Liars_

Gwynyth walked through the dream portal with Gann and found herself in a very strange place. Everything was grey, the ground and the sky both. Before her stood a wall made of twisted bodies. Cries of pain and despair echoed from it, and a feeling of icy dread knotted her stomach as she saw a familiar-looking shape imbedded in the wall.

Staring unbelievingly, she walked slowly toward the wall. She stopped before the figure and whispered, "Bishop?"

"Gwynyth . . . Farlong?" the figure asked.

"Yes, it's me. How did you end up here Bishop? How did you end up in the Wall of the Faithless?"

"I _knew_ where I was going when I died. Oblivion is a finer bedfellow than most . . . though on a cold night, with a roaring campfire, and no words, I might allow for one or two exceptions."

"But you said you worshipped Mielikki, and you acted like you weren't evil anymore!" Bishop laughed.

"That was all a lie. The whole 'good boy' act? That was all it was; _an act_. It dawned on me that I'd get far more ass if I acted more like a goody-two-shoes." Bishop laughed again.

"So when you said you didn't like any of the girls following you around, you didn't mean it?"

"That's right. I fucked _every single one of them!_ I made each one believe I didn't want anyone else but her, and each one of the stupid wenches fell for it." Gwyn struggled to hold back her tears, determined not to show any emotional weakness. "So where is dear Casavir?" Bishop sneered. "Have you traded him up for the pretty hagspawn?"

"The 'hagspawn' is my friend, and you speak as if I passed you over for Casavir . . . . Bishop, don't you remember what the love elixir made us do?"

"Oh yeah, you weren't a bad lay for a mongrel half elf," Bishop taunted. "I hate to admit it, but it _was_ one of the greatest nights of my life."

"Huh, you didn't seem to think so in the morning."

"Well I've found most wenches look much better when I'm drunk as opposed to sober," Bishop said. He tried to smile wickedly through the green substance covering his face, but it didn't work very well.

"So you don't remember Casavir nailing you right in the ass that night while you screamed in rapture?" Gwynyth said. It was her turn to smile wickedly. Gann snickered.

"That's a pretty low blow after leaving me for the paladin, sweetheart."

"So I guess you've forgotten the part where you cried like a baby the morning after as well?" Gann rolled on the ground laughing. "Something isn't right here. You're acting just like you used to before your head injury, and you're acting like I passed you up for Casavir. But I was really with you, him _and_ Sand at the same time! And for that matter, why does your voice sound so strange? Do you need a cough drop or something? 'course I wouldn't give you one if you did you lying liar!" No sooner had Gwynyth finished her last sentence, the wall groaned and convulsed. The bodies trapped within twisted and shrieked all at once, and Bishop's usual smirk was replaced by a look of fear.

"Can you hear it? In the screams . . . underneath the screams? They all know."

"All know what? That's a very vague statement. They all know . . . what, calculus? Basket weaving?" Gwyn asked sarcastically.

Bishop went silent and his one, visible eye seemed to go out of focus. Then it looked at her again, and Bishop spoke as if he was seeing her for the first time.

"You! I saw you in the wall! It's you! Wait, no. You're a mask. Nothing but a _mask_," Bishop said.

"What are you talking about now you deranged prick? I doubt Kelemvor let you smoke your 'herbs' before he stuffed you in the wall. No one who owns a wall full of screaming bodies could possibly be _that_ nice!"

"They've seen you," Bishop rambled on as if she hadn't spoken. "They know you've returned! They remember the crusade! They're holding on, resisting the wall. They're infected with _hope_," Bishop said with a sneer. "They've seen you! They're coming for you!" Bishop said maniacally.

"Gwyn, let's just go. This one has completely lost it, and I feel like my sanity and my IQ are both degrading the longer we stand near him," Gann said. Gwynyth nodded. They turned around and saw two demons blocking their path to the portal.

"So someone really did see us. First the liar in the wall and now this shit! Damn it, I don't have time for this!" said the angry pregnant spirit eater. "_Die pussies!_" It took a little while to kill them since they had to hold off the demons with summoned creatures, but she and Gann eventually pounded the demons into the ground with their spells before their pets could be destroyed.

"I have a feeling you should visit your 'friend' again," Gann said.

"I really doubt he was Bishop, so I wouldn't exactly call him a friend. Whatever," Gwynyth said. Despite her doubts over this individual's true identity, tears rolled down her face as she walked back to the wall. Where the false Bishop had been was nothing but a hand jutting out of the wall. In it was a fragment of something. She took it and went back through the portal with Gann.

* * *

Gwynyth and Gann stood before the slumbering coven, both of them shaking in rage for their own reasons. They had been questioning the hags over Nefris and Lienna, as well as Gann's parents.

"We have given you the answer you sought. Now you must go, spirit eater," said one of the hags.

_Just go?! After what you did to a little baby and his parents?! _Thought Gwynyth as her maternal instincts screamed in rage.

"I don't think so! We're not done here! You're going to pay for what you did to Gann and his family!" Gwyn spat at them. Gann smiled at her and together they tore apart the tapestry of dreams the hags held so dear. The latter shrieked in anger and despair as their patchwork of stolen dreams was shredded beyond recognition.

As the hags awakened and grew hostile, Safiya and Okku raced into the room to join the fight. Okku leapt on the nearest hag and tore out her throat, silencing her hideous screams forever. Gann, Gwyn and Safiya rained magic down on the hags as the latter unleashed swarms of insects and other spells.

Gwyn wasn't frightened in the least of this confrontation. She had fought dragons, shadow reavers, armies of undead, and the bloody King of Shadows. The hags were nothing to her. She laughed as she dispelled the hags' spell protections, allowing Okku to do more damage while the other casters unleashed their strongest spells on the coven. Protections dispelled, Gwyn cast her offensive spells as quickly as possible, starting with Meteor Swarm and working her way progressively to the less destructive spells. She gave them no respite, doing everything in her power to disrupt the hags as they attempted to cast spells.

At last the hags were all dead. Gwynyth immediately became nauseous. She thought the hags were disgusting before, but they were worse as bleeding, charred and dismembered corpses. Seeing her glassy-eyed look, Gann took her by the elbow and steered her gently toward the exit.

They encountered a few hagspawn on the way out, but these were easily dispatched by Gann, Safiya and Okku while Gwyn leaned against a wall trying not to faint.

Finally they were out of the twisted disgusting little shadow world and back on the beach. Gann guided Gwyn to a log so she could sit, and then he joined the others in setting up camp. Gwynyth sat on the sand and leaned her back against the log. She must have fallen asleep, because the next thing she knew Gann was nudging her.

"Dinner's almost ready," he said. "And do you need to feed the curse?"

"Yes," she said. He helped her stand up and guided her to where Safiya and Okku sat. Gwyn stood near Okku while Gann summoned a huge elemental. She suppressed her hunger and immediately felt much better. The only hunger left now was physical hunger tainted by nausea.

Gwynyth was barely aware of her food as she ate it, which was just as well since the smell and taste of most food made her want to throw up. When she finished, she climbed into her bed roll and stared up at the stars. They were so much prettier than the ugliness that had been in Coveya Kur'gannis.

Her view was obstructed by a shadow and she stiffened in fright.

"I wanted to talk to you," said Gann's voice. Gwynyth relaxed.

"Sure," she said. The hagspawn sat down next to her and sighed heavily.

"Thank you for what you did today," he said in a voice so low it was almost a whisper.

"What part of it? The part where I threw up everywhere or the part where I killed a bunch of hags?"

"The latter. Although if you had thrown up on the hags, that would have been even better," Gann said chuckling. "What you said to them . . . it was so protective. Why?"

"What do you mean why? Anyone who would do that to a baby and his parents deserves to die a painful death. Plus we're friends now aren't we?"

"Yes. I'm just, I guess, not used to having a friend. No one has ever stood up for me before."

"Better get used to it. I'm pretty protective of my friends, as you saw back there." Gann took her hand in his and squeezed it.

"Thank you. I shall always treasure this," he said. They sat in awkward silence for awhile before Gann said, "How are you feeling?"

"Better. Mostly just tired now. Although I can't seem to get Bishop in the Wall of the Faithless out of my head. I bet I know what I'm going to dream about tonight," Gwynyth said and sighed.

"If you like, I can keep away your nightmares tonight. Help you get some rest. That is, if you don't mind me walking in your dreams," he said.

"Sure, I'd like that. And I don't mind you walking in my dreams if you ask first. Doing it covertly is just creepy as all hells."

"I'm sorry about that time before. I feel like an idiot for doing that," he said.

"I imagine you don't have much experience with social boundaries after being raised by spirit animals though, am I right?" Gwynyth asked.

"Heh, not really. You're my first friend; that has to tell you something. Anyway, thanks again." He kissed her forehead and walked to his bedroll. Gwynyth drifted off to sleep, and instead of dreaming of death and horror, her dreams were breathtakingly beautiful.


End file.
